In honor of the 50th anniversary of both Star Trek and the 1966 Batman TV series, we’ll be spending this final week of 2016 looking at items that relate to one or both of those shows. We continue with two shorts that William Dozier made. The first was made between the second and third seasons to convince ABC to add Yvonne Craig’s Batgirl to the show’s opening credits. The second was a five-minute promo Dozier put together to pitch a Wonder Woman TV show.

“Batgirl”
Unaired promo short

The Bat-signal: Barbara fetches a book on butterflies for Bruce, who doesn’t recognize her at first, until she explains that she’s Gordon’s daughter. He and Dick are there chatting with another millionaire, Roger Montrose, the lepidopterist (the book she fetched for Bruce is to settle a bet).

Killer Moth and three of his henchmen are also in the library with designs on kidnapping Montrose. Bruce and Dick sneak off to change clothes to stop the villain, while Barbara’s colleague locks up so no one will come in after closing, though there are still patrons present in Montrose and Killer Moth.

Killer Moth’s goons grab Montrose, while Barbara is thrown into the library lounge and locked in—but she’s got a secret closet in the library (really?) and she changes into her Batgirl outfit (which is on under her civilian clothes, her skirt transforming into her cape).

Batman and Robin show up to foil the kidnapping, and fisticuffs ensue. However, Killer Moth uses his spray gun to put the Dynamic Duo in a cocoon, trapping them.

Batgirl bursts in through the window and more fisticuffs ensue. She frees Batman and Robin, at which point more fisticuffs ensue, with Killer Moth and his gang stopped. Once the fight’s over, Batgirl disappears without the Dynamic Duo noticing, leaving them to wonder who she is and where she comes from.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman and Robin get into the closed library using the bat-lock-breaking array. Batgirl has a compact that is equipped with a laser beam.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When Batgirl bursts into the library, Robin cries out, “Holy apparition!” When she whips out her laser beam compact, Robin utters, “Holy vanity case!”

Meanwhile, the narrator cries out “Holy transformation!” as Barbara is changing into Batgirl.

Gotham City’s finest. We only see Gordon briefly, complaining that he never gets to have dinner with his daughter.

Special Guest Villain. Tim Herbert is completely unmemorable as Killer Moth, a villain never seen on the main TV series, though he was also the villain in Batgirl’s first comics appearance in Detective Comics #359.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“A new member of our team, or a crime-fighting rival?”

–Batman speculating as to who the new chick in purple is.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 48 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, author, podcaster, and audio drama producer Jay Smith.

This short was produced for the network and never aired, though it is part of the DVD set.

While there was a previous Bat-Girl in the comics, she was Batwoman’s sidekick, Betty Kane, the niece of Kathy “Batwoman” Kane. Those characters were created in response to Fredric Wertham’s accusations of homoerotic subtext between Batman and Robin in Seduction of the Innocent, but were abandoned in 1964 as being too silly. However, William Dozier and Howie Horwitz approached DC about creating a new Batgirl who was Gordon’s daughter, and Batgirl’s costume on the TV show was inspired by Carmine Infantino’s rendering of the character in Detective Comics #359.

Batgirl’s costume is a different shade of purple, and her secret door is in the library instead of her apartment, which was probably done for budgetary reasons, since this entire short takes place on one set, that of the library.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “You insidious insect!” Mostly I watched this short thinking that Barbara is a terrible librarian, because she allows the place to get totally trashed, which will seriously mess with the physical plant budget for the next year. It’s going to be a nightmare for her as librarian dealing with the bean counters, not to mention all the books that have to be replaced after the fight…

More seriously, though, this is a charming little piece that nicely introduces both Barbara and Batgirl. It doesn’t actually fit with the continuity of the show, nor was it meant to, but it’s a fun little artifact, and you can see why everyone was high on including this new character, as Yvonne Craig’s enthusiasm and skill are on full display. I’m not so thrilled with the bit where she sits provocatively on the desk while Batman and Robin finish the fisticuffs, but that wasn’t the start of a trend, so whatever.

Bat-rating: 5

“Wonder Woman”
Unaired promo short

No real need to break this one down as aggressively, as it’s got even less of a plot than the Batgirl piece. In 1967, with Batman and The Green Hornet both on the air (and neither one cancelled yet), William Dozier pitched a Wonder Woman series to ABC.

Dozier’s Wonder Woman is a goofy, klutzy young woman who can’t even read the newspaper without falling off the couch. Her mother wants her to find a husband and settle down and have a family. She cites a neighbor, Lucille Maxwell, who is twenty-four and already has three kids. (WW’s protest that Lucille isn’t actually married falls on deaf ears. This stands out as the only actual funny line in the entire short.)

Once she changes into costume, she finds herself captivated by her reflection in the mirror—played by a different actor, who is more conventionally pretty—while Dozier narrates her abilities. She knows she has the strength of Hercules, etc., etc., but she only thinks she has the beauty of Aphrodite. (Har har.)

Once she tears herself away from her imagined reflection (which takes a while), she flies out the window, her mother calling after her to stop by Kansas City and say hi to her uncle.

If you ever believe that there is no justice in this world, think on this: nobody made a TV series based on this promo. Which proves that there are smart, intelligent people even in Hollywood. Because there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this concept whatsoever. Reimagining Wonder Woman as a barely competent hero with a nagging mother is an idea that is bone-stupid on every possible level. It’s hard to believe that the William Dozier who gave us Batgirl, Catwoman, Marsha Queen of Diamonds, and Zelda the Great, not to mention Casey and several other strong female characters on The Green Hornet, would stoop to this pair of horrendous stereotypes.

A few years later, one of the better members of Dozier’s stable of bat-writers, Stanley Ralph Ross, would develop a Wonder Woman series starring Lynda Carter which would capture the character much better…

BatWonder-rating: 0

The regular “Star Trek The Original Series Rewatch” and “Holy Rewatch Batman!” will re-commence the first week in January 2017.

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest release is the Super City Cops novella Avenging Amethyst, from which you can read an excerpt right here on this site. This is the first of three novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains published by Bastei Entertainment. Full information, including the cover, promo copy, ordering links, and another excerpt can be found on Keith’s blog. The next two novellas, Undercover Blues and Secret Identities, will be released in January and February.

In honor of the 50th anniversary of both Star Trek and the 1966 Batman TV series, we’ll be spending this final week of 2016 looking at items that relate to one or both of those shows. We conclude with a 1964 pilot that wasn’t picked up for a series, though it was aired as an episode of the anthology Off to See the Wizard in January 1968 due to its stars becoming somewhat more famous in the intervening four years. (Ahem.)

Alexander the Great
Written by Robert Pirosh and William Yates
Directed by Phil Karlson
Original air date: January 26, 1968

The first three title cards tell you everything you need to know: Alexander the Great. Starring William Shatner. Co-starring Adam West. Two years before both men would go on to star in TV shows that would become such a major part of the pop-culture landscape that some long-haired hippie weirdo freak would be writing about them every week for a web site, they starred in this pilot for a sword-and-sandal epic.

As you can imagine, the aforementioned pop-culture landscape would have been a lot different if these two were too busy starring in the Alexander the Great TV show to appear in either Star Trek or Batman.

So what are we to make of this gem, which also guest stars John Cassavetes and Joseph Cotten? Well, let’s take a look…

We open in Persia, under the brutal rule of King Darius, a land of war—of “barbaric war,” our narrator emphasizes, as if there’s another kind. Coming from Greece to bring peace (oh, yeah, totally) is a man named—

A soldier who has just found a bunch of corpses strung up by their feet cries out, “ALEXANDER!” and we cut to Shatner riding bareback and looking determined—and sweaty. Alexander orders the bodies to be cut down—and one of them is alive! He lasts long enough to tell Alexander that Cleander, Alexander’s best friend, was captured and the Persians killed the rest of them and strung them up.

Alexander waxes rhapsodic about how barbaric the Persians are. Then the Persians ambush them. Alexander rides off to save Cleander, who is like a brother to him, even though there are only about half a dozen of them. Alexander singlehandedly cuts down the Persians with his sword, and finds Cleander (West) beaten and bound to a horse.

Before Cleander can give a proper report, they’re surrounded by dozens of Persians on a hill with bows and arrows. They ride off and get attacked.

We cut back to Alexander’s headquarters where his subordinates are trying to figure out where Alexander is. They have a Persian prisoner, an officer who assures them that the Persians are gathering massive forces. But Antigonus (Cotten) is reluctant to withdraw until they find Alexander.

A soldier reports to Memnon that Alexander is dead, though he’s skeptical until someone brings him Alexander’s head. There is mention of a Greek spy for Darius.

Meanwhile, Alexander’s horse rides into camp, covered in days-old blood. Everyone is sure that he’s dead—his Persian hostage Princess Ada, who loves Alexander (yay, Stockholm Syndrome!) wants to kill herself, but Antigonus stops her. She’s free now.

Antigonus refuses to take over the army in Alexander’s place—he’s too old—so he suggests the much younger Karonos (Cassavetes), who reluctantly accepts. He intends to build fortress cities along the coast to fortify Greece’s position and leave Persia to the Persians, moving no further east. They must retreat and return to Greece.

Aristander wants to take a thousand men to find Alexander’s body, which Karonos refuses to allow. They’re about to come to blows, when Alexander and Cleander show up rather unexpectedly. Everyone is thrilled—except maybe Karonos—and Alexander agrees with Karonos’s plan to retreat west.

As Alexander strips down to show off Shatner’s manly manly chest and take a bath, Antigonus rebukes him for going off after Cleander.

The Persian prisoner is freed by an unseen Greek and told to disguise himself as a Greek soldier and kill Alexander.

At dinner, everyone is celebrating, which involves wrestling and laughing and drinking and dancing and stuff. The dancing is provided by Ada, who slinks and writhes to the leering enjoyment of all the men.

Alexander then meets with the generals: they will break camp and march as Karonos ordered, but east not west. They’re going to attack Memnon. Karonos thinks they have enough territory, and that Greece is safe. Alexander believes that if they leave Persia alone, they will get stronger and fight another war. Karonos says the men are exhausted and they can’t stop and hold Persia, but Alexander insists that destroying Darius will bring about peace. Memnon is Darius’s best general, and defeating him will cripple Persia. However, Alexander has not actually provided the battle plan.

Alexander, Cleander, and Antigonus then meet in private, where Alexander explains that he believes there to be a traitor in their midst, so he has to keep things close to the vest. Only Alexander and Cleander know the battle plan.

The disguised Persian takes a shot at Alexander, but misses. We find out that Karonos is the traitor, but he kills the Persian to make things look good for Alexander. However, the arrow the Persian used was Greek. Alexander is now more sure than ever that there is a traitor.

The next day, they march east, a cart falls over, and they have to put it back with their manly manly muscles. Karonos, we learn, has an agreement with Memnon that there will be peace as long as the Greeks retreat. So he has to take another shot at killing Alexander. On the third night, Alexander reveals that they attack at dawn, despite the soldiers all being completely exhausted, with supply lines weak. Alexander is sure that the men will follow him—so is Antigonus, but they will follow him to their deaths. Antigonus is unwilling to accept responsibility for that, so Alexander sends him to the rear to make sure the supply train is firm.

We cut to some soldiers, who are not at all happy about having to attack at dawn, just as Antigonus predicted. But they are also loyal to Alexander.

Antigonus learns that there is a conspiracy afoot to kill Alexander—Karonos isn’t the only one, he’s just the ringleader. They recruit Antigonus, fresh off his argument with Alexander. Karonos gives Antigonus a Persian dagger with which to kill Alexander. They can say he died in battle, bring him home to a warrior’s funeral, and then there will be peace. However, Antigonus was only pretending to be recruited, and he and Karonos get into a knife fight, which Karonos wins, stabbing Antigonus twice in the chest.

After Karonos rides off, Antigonus writes Karonos’s name in the sand as he dies.

Memnon is rather shocked to learn that the Greek army, which was a week away three days ago, is at his gates. But as far as Memnon’s concerned, Alexander has saved him a dusty march. He musters his forces while Alexander sets up catapults and bows on the high ground with lancers and cavalry on the ground. The Persians can only come in via a narrow passageway, and he plans to pick them off when they’re squeezed in.

The battle is joined. Karonos realizes that his plan has failed, that he loved Alexander too much to kill him himself, so he entrusted others, which was his mistake. Meanwhile, Antigonus’s body is discovered—as is the note he left in the sand. Alexander is livid, and he screams Karonos’s name and rides into battle. Even as the battle rages around them, Alexander and Karonos get into a swordfight.

Naturally, Alexander is victorious (both in general against the Persians and in particular against Karonos), because this is a pilot for Alexander the Great, not Memnon of Persia. Memnon retreats, leaving hundreds of corpses on the battlefield. Alexander looks over the bodies and looks either wistful or constipated, it’s hard to tell.

And thus ends Alexander the Great‘s pilot episode for a series that never happened. No doubt it would have continued to detail Alexander’s conquering of Persia. This story is very very very loosely based on the Battle of the Granicus, though it only bears a vague structural resemblance to history. For one thing, all the other characters save for Memnon are pretty much made up whole cloth.

There are good things to say about this production. While his role is miniscule for someone who’s second-billed, Adam West makes the most of his minimal screen time, showing a relaxed charm that’s actually much more entertaining than his square straight man persona on Batman. And the battle scenes are impressively choreographed and staged, with tons of extras and lots of horseplay and such. (If this did go to series, it was bound to be the most expensive TV show on the air, especially if they were going to continue with Alexander’s conquering of Asia Minor.) And I like the fact that the soldiers get dirty and sweaty, and you see beard growth on them after three days of forced marching. The consequences of war are refreshingly not soft-pedaled.

But overall, it’s a pretty bog-standard betrayal-in-war story, where you can see the numbers by which the whole thing is painstakingly painted. Every beat is so utterly predictable as to be stultifying.

Worse, though, is that I watch and find myself on Karonos’s side. Alexander’s insistence on plunging forward into a war with Darius in order to achieve peace is, frankly, lunacy, and is the reason why he’s standing over a lot of corpses at the end. Shatner tries very hard to make Alexander noble and patriotic, but he’s not at all convincing. It’s a very superficial performance, though he’s not alone in that. The great Joseph Cotten does surprisingly little to make Antigonus interesting, John Cassavetes has no charisma as Karonos, and the less said about Ziva Rodann’s Ada the better.

All in all, I’d say the parallel universe where this was made into a series isn’t one I wish to live in. It probably wouldn’t have been that big a deal, and it would have denied us—and Shatner and West—greatness.

Warp factor Bat- Sword-and-sandal rating: 3

Thus endeth our look at the ancillary bits of Trek and Bat-lore as the sun sets on both shows’ 50th anniversary. It’s back to business as usual once 2017 commences with the animated Trek episode “The Survivor” on Tuesday the 3rd and the Bat-episode “Louie the Lilac” on Friday the 6th. I hope you’ve all had a wonderful holiday and I wish us all a safe and healthy and peaceful new year.

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest release is the Super City Cops novella Avenging Amethyst, from which you can read an excerpt right here on this site. This is the first of three novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains published by Bastei Entertainment. Full information, including the cover, promo copy, ordering links, and another excerpt can be found on Keith’s blog. The next two novellas, Undercover Blues and Secret Identities, will be released in January and February.

“Louie, the Lilac”
Written by Dwight Taylor
Directed by george waGGner
Season 3, Episode 7
Production code 1710
Original air dates: October 26, 1967

The Bat-signal: All the flower-children in Gotham City are gathering in the park for a flower-in—but there are no flowers! Turns out that Louie the Lilac has cornered the market on Gotham City’s petaled flora. He intends to control the minds of Gotham’s young people, since they’re the future leaders of the city.

Meanwhile, the hippies are having themselves a party in the park, led by Princess Primrose—real name Thelma Jones, Barbara’s former college chum—and Louie shows up and tosses flowers to them all. He uses his boutineer to hypnotize Primrose and take her off in his Flowermobile. And then it turns out that the flowers are all fake! Louie then finds out from Primrose that the commissioner’s daughter was there, so he has one of his henchmen find and tail Barbara while he locks Primrose in his hothouse.

Barbara reports the kidnapping to her father, who is singularly uninterested in the kidnapping of a hippie. So Barbara grabs the Bat-phone and calls Batman—it turns out he and Robin are to be guests of honor at the flower-in. Batman and Robin head to GCPD HQ, where they promise to investigate Louie. They head to the Batmobile, where they find a lilac-colored card for Lila’s Lilac Shop. Our heroes arrive there, where Lila—who works for Louie—hits them with poisonous lilacs. Batman figures it out in time, but then Louie hits him over the head with a flower pot. Louie then traps them amidst man-eating lilacs to be eaten alive.

Gordon calls Batman, but Alfred says he hasn’t been seen since he went to GCPD HQ. Gordon says that he was heading to the Batcave to check the Bat-computer for info on Louie. Alfred decides to go through with that search, and the computer spits out Lila’s Lilac Shop.

Louie’s henchman follows Barbara to her apartment and attempts to kidnap her. She locks herself in the bedroom, and then sneaks out to change into Batgirl. Before she can stop him, Gordon shows up, and the henchman takes a powder while Batgirl quick-changes back to Barbara and reassures her worrying father that she’s fine living on her own and shouldn’t move back home, even though she’s already been kidnapped twice and had her library nearly blown up…

Alfred then shows up and lets Barbara know what’s happening so Batgirl can get in on the action.

Louie’s attempt to get Primrose to recruit the flower children for his side fails, as Primrose shakes off his hypnosis. Louie beats a hasty retreat. He arrives at his hideout just as Batman and Robin manage to escape the man-eating lilacs by kicking a flower pot through the hothouse door, the colder air killing the lilacs.

Batgirl also shows up, and fisticuffs ensue. She hits Louie with a mildew spray that makes him all gunky. The flower children followed Louie, and they take care of the henchmen. But even as they clean up after Louie, Batman and Robin hear hoofbeats, and see that Egghead is back in town, alongside Olga Queen of the Cossacks…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat-computer is used by Alfred to track down where Batman and Robin may have gotten to. Batman’s utility belt is eaten by the man-eating lilacs, thus forcing him to actually use ingenuity to escape the deadly flora.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When trapped by man-eating lilacs, Robin grumbles, “Holy purple cannibals!” followed by “Holy Luther Burbank!” which is one of his cleverer religious utterances. And when Egghead and Olga ride by on horseback, he cries, “Holy hoofbeats!”

Gotham City’s finest. The GCPD evinces no interest in solving the kidnapping of a hippie, which is actually a pretty accurate depiction of the police in 1967. Although they move heaven and earth to protect the commissioner’s daughter…

Special Guest Villain. Having previously done a cameo as a prison inmate in “Ma Parker,” famous funnyman Milton Berle returns in the title role. He’ll be back in “Louie’s Lethal Lilac Time.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. The henchman tries to convince Batgirl that he and Barbara are a couple, which wouldn’t have been convincing even if Batgirl wasn’t actually Barbara.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“The flower children think we’re cool, man, like, we turn them on, y’know?”

–Robin’s rather pathetic attempt to show that he’s down with the other kids.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 54 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Jay Smith, author, scripter, and creator of the Parsec Award-winning audio drama HG World (on which your humble rewatcher was one of the company of actors providing voice work).

Milton Berle was signed to an unprecedented thirty-year contract by NBC in 1951, but by the mid-1960s, NBC freed him from his obligations, due to his declining popularity (in 1960, he was reduced to hosting a bowling show). He started working for ABC, but his variety show for them didn’t last past its first season. He continued to make guest appearances on TV shows like this for the rest of his career.

Writer Dwight Taylor was a co-founder and past president of the Writers Guild of America, West, and also was one of the first editors of the “Talk of the Town” feature in The New Yorker magazine. This was the last script he ever wrote for the screen.

At the end of the episode, the Batgirl theme is played in full for reasons passing understanding (but probably because the script came up short).

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “I strongly suspect that this lilac-colored card could be—a plant!” Okay, I have a confession to make—I have never liked Milton Berle. I remember growing up and seeing him and Bob Hope and Johnny Carson and never understanding what the fuss was about. To be fair, I mostly saw them in the twilight of their careers, but even watching old clips, I was less than impressed. The only time I actually liked a Berle performance was when he appeared on The Muppet Show, specifically when he tried to do a standup routine and was mercilessly heckled by Statler and Waldorf. Of course, the whole routine is predicated on the fact that Berle isn’t funny… (Amusingly, one of the inspirations for Statler and Waldorf was Sidney Spritzer, a character played by Irving Benson on Berle’s variety show who heckled Berle from the balcony.)

So I’m not particularly predisposed to this episode anyhow, but even the biggest Berle devotee wouldn’t find a lot to like here. For one thing, aside from puffing on a cigar, there’s none of Berle’s trademark bits here, nothing that stands out aside from the comedian’s rather distinctive face.

There’s comedy gold to be mined by having a fedora’d, suited gangster straight out of the 1930s who has a thing for flowers and tries to suborn flower children, but while Dwight Taylor’s writing of the hippie movement isn’t quite as tone-deaf as, say, Arthur Heinemann in Star Trek‘s “The Way to Eden” or Jack Webb and his team of writers any time they portrayed the movement on Dragnet, it’s still pretty awful. Taylor does, at least, acknowledge that the movement is basically one of peace and love, and the flower children are no worse caricatures than the heroes, the cops, or the gangsters, at the very least.

But still, the episode just kind of bounces from scene to scene with very little rhyme or reason. Louie’s long-term plan sounds good when he’s talking about it, but the execution is so ham-fisted, you’re just staring at the screen wondering what everyone was thinking when they were making it.

I’m still wondering. The only performance that actually works is Jimmy Boyd’s incredibly earnest Dogwood, who commits far more to his flower child persona than anyone else does to their role.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest release is the Super City Cops novella Undercover Blues, the second of three novellas about police in a city filled with costumed heroes and villains published by Bastei Entertainment. The first, Avenging Amethyst, is also available. Full information, including the cover, promo copy, ordering links, and an excerpt can be found on Keith’s blog. The next novella, Secret Identities, will be released in February.

“The Ogg and I” / “How to Hatch a Dinosaur”
Written by Stanford Sherman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episodes 8 & 9
Production code 1705-1 & 1705-2
Original air dates: November 2 & 9, 1967

The Bat-signal: Olga, Queen of the Bessarovian Cossacks, and Egghead kidnap Gordon from his office in a hot-air balloon, under the guise of delivering a sandwich. Gordon realizes it’s Egghead when it’s an egg sandwich rather than roast beef, but by then it’s too late.

O’Hara enters the now-empty office, where Gordon managed to scrawl a note that says “KIDNAPPED.” Batgirl shows up—concerned that Gordon wasn’t answering his phone, no doubt, though she can’t say that out loud in order to preserve her secret ID—as do Batman and Robin, who saw Olga and Egghead at the end of last episode, and are now at GCPD HQ.

Egghead asks Olga to get her Cossacks to stop their victory dance so he can call in the ransom: ten cents for every egg consumed in Gotham City, and he tasks the GCPD with counting them and collecting the “egg-cise” tax.

Batman has a plan that he says is a long shot. Batgirl has one of her own, and she suggests they both approach from different angles in the hopes that one of them will succeed.

Batgirl knows that Gordon wears a distinct aftershave, but she can’t reveal that to anyone but Alfred. Meanwhile, the Dynamic Duo visit the Bessarovian ambassador at their embassy, where the Brass Samovar of Genghis Khan (really!) is being hidden for safekeeping. Whoever possesses the samovar rules Bessarovia.

Sure enough, Olga and her Cossacks show up to steal the samovar, which they bring to her hideout. However, it’s a Trojan samovar! Batman and Robin were hiding in the samovar, and when they emerge, they find Gordon tied up in a nearby birdcage. But Olga saw it coming, and gasses the Dynamic Duo.

Robin is put in the cage with Gordon, while Olga and Egghead reveal that the ambassador is also a Cossack—and a chef. He intends to cook Robin and Gordon in his Bessarovian borscht, but Olga wants to keep Batman for herself. That makes Egghead jealous, which leads a Cossack to knock Egghead out. It turns out that Bessarovian queens can have up to six husbands, so she can marry both Batman and Egghead.

Meanwhile, Alfred and Batgirl are sniffing their way around Gotham City in search of Wellington #4, Gordon’s aftershave. Alfred detects the odor at a warehouse, and calls Batgirl, who rides over on the Batgirl-cycle and enters just as Olga’s about to get married twice over.

Fisticuffs ensue. Alfred socks the ambassador in the jaw (take that, Sean Pertwee!) and frees Gordon and Robin so they can join the fray. However, while they take care of the Cossacks, Egghead attacks with eggs hatched by hens that have been fed a steady diet of onions, so our heroes are forced to cry when the eggs shatter at their feet.

The bad guys beat a hasty retreat, but at least Gordon is free.

Olga and Egghead’s next target is the Gotham Radium Center, where they steal two pounds of radium. The center calls Gordon and Gordon calls Batman, who high-tails it to GCPD HQ, where they try to figure out the bad guys’ plan.

Barbara delivers a library book to Professor Dactyl at the Gotham Museum of Natural History, where she sees a neosaurus egg. She wonders if Egghead might want to steal it, but Dactyl thinks it has no value to anyone save a paleontologist.

It turns out that Egghead and Olga were hiding behind a fossil to steal the egg in question. Barbara and Dactyl discover that the egg is missing and Barbara reports it to Gordon, who informs her of the radium theft.

Batman thinks an article in the Southeastern Journal of Applied Radiology might be of help, and Barbara separately thinks the same thing. Unfortunately, the library no longer subscribes, but Bruce Wayne does. Barbara calls Alfred at the same time that Batman calls his butler upstairs, and he provides the article’s title to them both: “Revitalizing Fossil Forms by the Use of High-Energy Radioactive Energy Sources.” Egghead wants to use the radium to irradiate the egg and hatch the dinosaur inside, and then feed it a three-course meal of Batman, Robin, and Batgirl—with Gordon and O’Hara for dessert.

The Batmobile and the Batgirl-cycle both arrive at the warehouse where Olga and Egghead are hiding out and trying to hatch the forty-million-year-old egg. Fisticuffs ensue—but only with Robin and Batgirl. They’re captured, and then another burst of radiation causes the egg to hatch.

A neosaurus bursts out and menaces Olga and Egghead so much that they and the Cossacks run scared out of the warehouse—right to the waiting arms of O’Hara and the GCPD. But the “neosaurus” was actually Batman in a dinosaur suit. Batgirl slips away, and Batman refuses to follow her, as he’d be conspicuous in his neosaurus suit.

Later, Bruce, Dick, Barbara, Gordon, and O’Hara are discussing the incident over tea, when Barbara gets a call from her old buddy Skip Davis inviting her on a surfing trip—but Joker’s already at Gotham Point with surfing plans of his own…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batgirl has walkie-talkies that have doilies for trim, because she’s a girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl. Radium being stolen and dragged around the city in a lead case somehow affects the Bat-computer 14 miles away. Sure. But Batman can trace the radium with the Bat-Geiger counter, and Batgirl can do the same with the Batgirl-Geiger counter. Batman has a voder of some sort that allows him to roar menacingly like a neosaurus.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy eggshells!” is Robin’s obvious rejoinder after hearing the ransom demand. “Holy crying towels” is Robin’s inexplicable utterance after they’re hit with the onion-y eggs. “Holy understatements” is Robin’s reply to Batman’s exposition regarding Part 1 in Part 2. “Holy anagrams” is Robin’s equally inexplicable utterance when they’re trying to figure out what the bad guys will be doing with the radium.

Gotham City’s finest. The cops are tasked with counting the number of eggs eaten in Gotham in order to ransom their boss, then have the easiest collar ever when Olga, Egghead, and the Cossacks all run into the paddywagon willingly to avoid being eaten by a neosaurus.

Special Guest Villains. Vincent Price returns as Egghead, following his debut in “An Egg Grows in Gotham“, this time alongside Anne Baxter as Olga. Last seen in the title role in “Zelda the Great“, Baxter is the only person to appear as two completely different special guest villains in the series.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Olga decides Batman is dreamy and wishes to marry him as well as Egghead.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“No troubles, Batushka, or we are making shashlik out of little malchik and old commissionar!”

–Olga threatening Robin and Gordon in order to keep Batman in line, speaking in broken English and broken Russian.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 55 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Kevin Lauderdale, author, host of Presenting the Transcription Feature and It Has Come to My Attention, and cohost of Mighty Movie: Temple of Bad.

Originally written as a three-parter, this storyline instead uses what was originally parts 1 and 3, with part 2 to be shown later in the season as a standalone episode, “The Ogg Couple.”

Part 1’s title is a play on The Egg and I, Betty MacDonald’s 1945 memoir that was made into a 1947 movie featuring Claudette Colbert and Fred MacMurray.

Vincent Price and Anne Baxter previously starred together in The Ten Commandments and A Royal Scandal.

Alan Hale Jr. has an uncredited cameo as a restauranteur named Gilligan, a play on both Hale’s owning a restaurant and his starring role as the Skipper on Gilligan’s Island.

The neosaurus costume was borrowed from the Lost in Space prop department, where it had been used in the episodes “The Questing Beast” and “Space Beauty.”

Robin guesses that Olga and Egghead might want to use the radium to poison the water supply, which O’Hara recalls has been done before, specifically by the Joker in “The Joker’s Provokers.”

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Think they can crack it, Commissioner?” Vincent Price and Anne Baxter are both charming and delightful and wonderful actors. They even have decent chemistry together.

But this two-parter that throws the two of them together is a total disaster.

Baxter’s Olga has her moments—her comedy Russian accent is actually kind of entertaining—but Zelda was, frankly, a much more complex and interesting villain.

The biggest problem is that the teaming of Egghead and Olga doesn’t really make any sense on the face of it, as there’s nothing really linking Egghead’s egg fetish with Olga’s desire to rule Bessarovia. As a result, Egghead is all but irrelevant to the first part and Olga is even more irrelevant to the second.

And the story is just a mess. Kidnapping Gordon and stealing the Brass Samovar of Genghis Khan don’t seem to be related to each other and feel like they’re happening in two entirely separate stories. What does Egghead hope to gain by hatching a dinosaur egg? Not that it could possibly work, as everyone but him knew, but still. And then there’s the question of how, exactly, Batman got into an unhatched egg in order to burst out of it. Plus, our three heroes are standing outside the warehouse together, and the next thing we see is Batgirl and Robin engaging in fisticuffs. When Batman unmasks himself from the neosaurus suit, Robin and Batgirl are surprised, yet they had to have known—especially given how elaborate the setup was.

There’s also a big plot hole, as Gordon sees Alfred come in with Batgirl. He asks what the Wayne butler is doing there, but Alfred puts him off so more fisticuffs can ensue. But shouldn’t Gordon have asked the question again later?

With all that, though, the worst sin committed by this two-parter is forgetting the fact that Egghead is supposed to be a genius. There’s no evidence of any smarts on his part. He’s reduced to following behind Olga and her Cossacks on a donkey while they traipse through Gotham on horseback (we only actually see Egghead on his ass—apparently they blew their horse budget on the Penguin/Lola Lasagna two-parter, so we never actually see Olga and the gang ride) and whining at Olga when she decides to marry Batman. Not to mention the fact that his plot rides on him being too stupid to realize that an egg would not remain fertilized and viable for forty million years, and stupid is the exact opposite of what Egghead is.

It’s fun to watch Baxter chew the scenery, and Price is never not fun, and there are a few other good moments—Alfred doing the telephonic watusi to get info to both Batman and Barbara, the Brass Samovar of Genghis Khan being roughly the size of Rhode Island, the fact that Bessarovia’s object of monarchial power is a samovar that was supposed to have been used by Genghis Khan, Adam West in a dinosaur outfit, Alan Hale’s cameo as a character named Gilligan—but ultimately, this is an egg-scruciating mess that one can’t help but egg-scoriate, as it serves to egg-cise any good feeling engendered by Egghead’s egg-cellent first appearance.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be making his first public appearance of 2017 this weekend at Arisia 2017 in Boston, Massachusetts, alongside Guests of Honor Ursula Vernon, Stephanie Law, Greykell Dutton, and Susan Fox & Gene Turnbow from Krypton Radio, and tons of other neat folks. Keith’s schedule can be found here.

This is an update to a piece that originally ran on January 8, 2015.

Tim Burton—a director often noted for his visual vernacular, his love of the macabre, and his dedication to heroic outcasts. A director who creates worlds where the mundane and the fantastically strange collide messily, often resulting in magic or terror. There is a certain flair, a flavor to Burton films that easily set them apart from the work of other directors and the majority of mainstream cinema.

But could it be more than that? Could these films actually exist in the same world—could all of them apply? And would that finally explain why every character looks like Johnny Depp?

(A word on criteria: none of his short films or television episodes were used. None of the films he produced were considered aside from Nightmare Before Christmas, which was added to the list since the tale was entirely Burton’s creation, even if he didn’t direct it. All real-life people—such as Ed Wood and Margaret Keane—are treated as fictional characters in this context.)

First things first. Back in the 18th century there was a family in Liverpool, England: the Collins. They came to America in 1760 and set up a fishing port in Maine, but one of their daughters decided to leave the family home after marrying a judge by the name of Crane. Magic had always been a part of the Collins family, though they didn’t know it—the daughter was a witch in her own right, condemned to death after being found out by her husband (even though they had a young boy named Ichabod). The son Barnabas was cursed to become a vampire by a family maid who also had the gift for magic, and he was not seen again for 200 years.

That Collins family maid was so adept at magic that her great-great granddaughter ended up a with extreme paranormal abilities, and opened up Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children in a 1943 time loop.

Meanwhile, Barnabas’ nephew Ichabod became an inspector in New York City, a man obsessed with science and the law. He traveled to Sleepy Hollow in 1790 and fell in love with a witch, saving the town from a dreaded headless horseman. The horseman was the undead spirit of a Hessian soldier from Germany, and his last name was Shreck. (FYI, schreck means “fright” or “scare” in German.) Later on, one of his kin would come to create one of the greatest corporations in Gotham City.

Not all of the Collins family traveled to the United States, of course. They split off, married into different families (some of them well, some of them terribly). Several generations on, one of their poorer descendants became a barber in Fleet Street, London—a romantic young man by the name of Benjamin Barker. He was sent to prison in Australia on a fake charge by the judge who wanted his wife. When he returned years later and found his wife was dead and his daughter was being raised by the very judge who imprisoned him, he went on a murder spree with his former neighbor Mrs. Lovett. He had adopted a new name too: Sweeney Todd.

Todd was such a legend for his crimes that his face was drawn in penny dreadfuls for years to come. Young Alice Kingsleigh was quite partial to them, which may have caused her to impose his visage on a friend she made in her travels through Wonderland—the Mad Hatter. (And to impose the face of Mrs. Lovett on the big-headed Red Queen.)

Todd’s daughter Joanna escaped the clutches of the judge and married a sailor named Anthony. Years down the line, one of their descendants married into the Wonka family. Willy Wonka became a famous candyman, responsible for the most incredible sweets in the world. Eventually, he left his factory to Charlie Bucket and decided to retire to America in a large gothic mansion on a hill. There, he made delicious cookies, but one day—while staring at some heart-shaped shortbread—he had the idea to make a man instead. He made that man in the image of his younger self, and named him Edward. But he died before he could complete Edward, which left the poor boy with scissors for hands.

Edward was eventually discovered by a woman from the town below, Pam Boggs. After being introduced to her whole family, he quickly fell in love with her daughter, Kim. Though the two were not destined to be together, Kim always remembered Edward and told their story to her granddaughter—Lydia Deetz.

Lydia’s father—Charles Deetz—had once been a psychic showman who performed under the stage name The Amazing Criswell. He was never the most successful act around, but he did once give some great advice to director Ed Wood about selling himself as a creative. (And without that advice, Plan 9 From Outer Space would have never been made.) Charles eventually decided he wanted out of showbiz and settled into an incredibly boring life, but his attraction to artistic types led to his unlikely match with Delia Deetz.

Lydia ended up making friends with the ghostly couple in their new country home, which led the whole family into an encounter with a pretty nasty spirit named Betelgeuse…

But Betelgeuse was not the man’s name in life. His spirit had been twisted and warped due the violent nature of his death on the streets of Gotham… when his name was Thomas Wayne.

Thomas Wayne’s son had great difficulty dealing with the death of his parents, and it prompted him to become a superhero vigilante named Batman. Batman grappled with many villains in his battle to keep Gotham safe, the first being the Joker—the man responsible for Thomas and Martha Wayne’s deaths. Then he went up against the Penguin, a gentleman born with the name Oswald Cobblepot. Oswald was abandoned by his parents as an infant when they dropped him into a freezing river, disgusted with his perceived deformities.

The Cobblepots were new money in Gotham, self-made millionaires who came from simple and carefree backgrounds. They changed much about their lives and appearances to fit in with the Gotham elite—even their names. Long ago, Mr. Cobblepot was a bicycle-loving man-child by the name of Pee-Wee Herman, who went on a journey and met a waitress named Simone. Following some of Pee-Wee’s more outrageous adventures, he decided he wanted to settle down, but Simone wouldn’t have it unless a lot of things changed. And Oswald wasn’t the only child they abandoned….

The Cobblepots had another son who they were terrified to find had the ability to turn into a wolf. They gave the boy to a circus that came into the city, likely the very same one that had the Flying Graysons on their bill. He eventually became the circus’ ringmaster under the name Amos Calloway, where he employed a young man named Edward Bloom, and helped him find the love of his life.

Unfortunately, while the circus was traveling through Maine, Amos found himself ensnared by the very same witch who cursed Barnabas Collins, and was forced to bite a member of the Collins family—turning young Carolyn into a werewolf herself.

One Christmas, an imposter takes the place of Santa Claus, giving gifts that terrorize and maim. The imposter has a deathly pale appearance, and a chilling laugh. In no time, the U.S. military has been mobilized to stop the man. It may seem like an overreaction, but the country had good reason; they assumed that households across the world were actually being attacked by the Joker (whose body disappeared from the morgue following his apparent demise after battling the Bat).

One boy who remembers that Christmas is a lad named Victor Frankenstein. He’s an aspiring filmmaker and scientist who lives not far from the town below Edward Scissorhands’ home. His next-door neighbor is a woman named Margaret Keane—she remembers the whole business with Edward from when she was a little girl. His odd garden sculptures, imaginative haircuts, and wide-eyed innocence prompted her to create her own artwork featuring children with abnormally large eyes. A long time ago, she divorced her husband after he stole and sold her work under his name.

Little Victor has a dog named Sparky who dies after getting hit by a car. This prompts the boy to resurrect his dog using special information he learned in his science class. Years later, Victor does indeed become a filmmaker—his first feature stars a young man who looks much like himself, also named Victor, entrapped by a dead woman who wants his hand in marriage. Corpse Bride is a runaway success, and it’s hardly a wonder that Victor Frankenstein’s first film features death so heavily… after all, he is well acquainted with it, having owned an undead dog for so many years.

As for the Joker—he wasn’t that strange imposter Santa, but he did survive his encounter with Batman. Working a much longer game, he decides to get some surgery, wear makeup at all times, and eventually worms his way into public service. He does well, making it far enough to become President of the United States, James Dale. Right before he’s about to reveal his identity and take over the country, the world makes first contact with aliens who turn out to be less than friendly. The invaders are stopped before they can wipe out the population—one of the first victims of their cruelty is chat show host Nathalie Lake, the daughter of Ed Wood’s old flame Dolores Fuller—but James Dale meets his end at their hands. The U.S. never realizes that they had a super villain as a president.

But this encounter with aliens does prompt humanity to put much more effort into their space program, and by 2029 there is a space station named Oberon carrying both humans and a host of simian occupants. Captain Leo Davidson goes after his friend Pericles when the chimpanzee is lost while exploring an electromagnetic storm. He comes out in the year 5021 to find a planet occupied… by humanoid apes.

And there you have it.

Do I still get to claim sanity after this?

Emily Asher-Perrin had this weird moment at Christmas after watching Batman Returns and suddenly all these dominos fell in her brain and she hasn’t been right since. You can bug her on Twitter and Tumblr. Read more of her work here and elsewhere.

“Surf’s Up! Joker’s Under”
Written by Charles Hoffman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episode 10
Production code 1714
Original air dates: November 16, 1967

The Bat-signal: The World Surfing Championship is coming up, and it’s going to be held at Gotham Point. Barbara’s old friend Skip Parker is a favorite to win the championship, and she watches him ride a wave and compliments him on his form. The Joker shows up in his Jokermobile with two henchmen, Wipeout and Riptide, and he radios his moll, Undine, at the Hang Five, a surfin’ hangout run by Hot Dog Harrigan. (The radios actually are in the shapes of hot dogs, for whatever reason.) Riptide and Wipeout put Hot Dog in a bag and then send Undine to tell Skip there’s a phone call for him. Skip enters the Hang Five and Joker gasses him and takes him off to his secret HQ.

However, Barbara sees Skip being kidnapped, and calls her father, who calls Batman. The Dynamic Duo take the Bat-copter to Pelican Cove and then walk from there to Gotham Point just like normal people. (Landing the copter on the beach is dangerous and ostentatious. Also, they don’t have footage from the movie of the copter landing on a beach.)

Joker has Skip tied up and hooked up to a Surfing Experience And Ability Transferometer, which will transfer all of Skip’s surfing knowledge to Joker.

After an hour of useless surveillance of the Hang Five, Batman and Robin return to the Batcave and consult the Bat-computer, which points them at the Ten-Toe Surf Shop, which is long abandoned, as being Joker’s new hideout.

But Joker’s ready for them, and he, Riptide, Wipeout, and Undine all throw sea-urchin spines at them, leaving them vulnerable to Joker, who ties them down and leaves Riptide and Wipeout to turn them into surfboards. They escape that trap and chase the henchmen off, then rescue Skip, only to discover that Joker stole his surfing mojo.

Batman sends Robin back to Wayne Manor to change back into Dick, and return with his surfboard. Joker’s prowess has scared off all the other competitors, but Dick enters Batman (on behalf of Bruce, who’s the head of the surfing commission, because of course he is) so that there’s an actual competition.

They surf, and while Joker finishes first, Batman wins on points. Then someone finally notices that Hot Dog is in the trash can, and Joker and his people beat a hasty retreat. However, his attempt to hide in the Hang Five fails, as Dick and Barbara ran into the locker rooms first and changed into costume.

Fisticuffs ensue, and Joker is wiped out (har har). Skip is restored to his old self and all’s right with the world—although there’s a theft of Her Majesty’s Royal Snuffboxes in Londinium that will likely garner our heroes’ attention…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Bat-copter makes a triumphant return, while Alfred has reprogrammed the Bat-computer to provide pictures instead of punch-cards. Batman uses a portable ultraviolet Bat-ray to ignite the resin and make his surfboard covering explode. (How he made Robin’s explode is left as an exercise for the viewer.) Best of all, we get the Bat-shark-repellant, as Batman uses it to keep a shark away from the competition.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When the Bat-computer gives our heroes a picture of two bare feet, Robin mutters, “Holy ten toes!” When Joker and his crew hit them with sea-urchin spines, Robin cries, “Holy pin-cushion!” When they’re turned into human surfboards, Robin on-the-noses, “Holy human surfboards!” When they escape that trap, Robin yells, “Holy detonation!”

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon and O’Hara go undercover as surfers on the beach named Duke and Buzzy, wearing the world’s goofiest sunglasses, and totally miss Hot Dog in a trash can, even though Hot Dog signals them repeatedly.

Special Guest Villains. Cesar Romero makes his first third-season appearance as the Joker. He’ll return, teamed up with Catwoman, in “The Funny Feline Felonies.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. All the extras this week are in bathing suits, as are several of the regulars and guest stars. It’s probably the most exposed flesh on any Batman episode, with a good chunk of it coming from Sivi Aberg as Undine and Yvonne Craig in a very sexy one-piece when she’s Barbara.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“A funny thing, isn’t it? That I know more than you’ve forgotten.”

–Joker getting all philosophical on Skip after stealing his mojo.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 56 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Dan Greenfield of 13th Dimension.

The surfing footage was all taken from the surfing documentary The Endless Summer.

Johnny Green and the Greenmen appear as themselves as the green-haired band performing on the beach. Green also was one of the musicians who played on the show’s theme song, and the band was still together as of last year (though their web site hasn’t been updated since 2010, they do have a Facebook page).

Riptide is played by Skip Ward, who was William Dozier’s first choice to play the title role in The Green Hornet, a role that eventually went to Van Williams. Based on his acting here, I’d say that the right choice was made in the end.

Sivi Aberg (Undine) previously appeared as Mimi in “The Devil’s Fingers” / “The Dead Ringers.” John Mitchum (Hot Dog) previously appeared as Rip Snorting in “Come Back, Shame” / “It’s How You Play the Game” (and also had a recurring role as Hoffenmueller in F Troop).

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Cowabunga! Begorrah!” There are a few things to like about this episode. There’s the hilarious visual of Batman and the Joker wearing their baggies over their costumes. There’s Gordon and O’Hara undercover as elderly beach combers and doing the worst job ever. There’s the Bat-shark repellant. There’s Yvonne Craig and Sivi Aberg in bathing suits.

Yeah, that’s about it. It’s pretty much the same dumb plot we’ve already gotten in “Ring Around the Riddler,” “The Sport of Penguins” / “A Horse of a Different Color,” and “Louie, the Lilac.” Like Riddler and Penguin, Joker is taking on a sport to master in order to, like Louie, win over the youth of Gotham as a stepping stone to greater power. It’s less clear how, exactly, winning a surfing championship will lead to Joker’s plans for world domination (at least Riddler and Penguin had some cash attached to winning, and Louie actually actively tried to recruit the flower children), but then this is a guy who invents time machines and devices that can transfer someone’s surfing skills and athletic ability, yet hasn’t become incredibly rich selling these things to the highest bidder. Go fig’.

Joker runs away because he’s accused of kidnapping Skip and Hot Dog—but everyone knew he’d kidnapped Skip. So why was he even allowed to enter the race? Why didn’t Gordon and O’Hara—sorry, Buzzy and Duke arrest him right off? Why did Hot Dog finally being let out of the garbage can make the Joker scared when his more well known kidnap victim was standing right there?

And how come the surfboard that Riptide and Wipeout encased Batman and Robin in was thinner than their bodies could possibly have fit? How did Batman’s portable ultraviolet ray affect Robin’s surfboard? Why did nobody fix the left ear on Batman’s cowl that was very obviously falling off after the surfing competition?

Cesar Romero does the best he can with the material—even when he’s standing around pretending to surf in front of a bluescreen, he’s a delight—but this is just an incomprehensible mess.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido has never gone surfing a day in his life.

“The Londinium Larcenies” / “The Foggiest Notion” / “The Bloody Tower”
Written by Elkan Allan and Charles Hoffman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episodes 11-13
Production code 1711
Original air dates: November 23 & 30 and December 7, 1967

The Bat-signal: We open with a shot of the Tower Bridge shrouded in fog as William Dozier insists it’s another “crystal-clear” day in Londinium, the capital of the Old World, then cut to the queen’s private museum in Chuckingham Palace, where Lord Marmaduke Ffogg of Ffoggshire and his sister Lady Penelope Peasoup are stealing Her Majesty’s collection of priceless snuffboxes (conveniently labeled, “HER MAJESTY’S PRICELESS SNUFFBOXES”), covering their tracks with fog created by Ffogg’s pipe.

Back in the U.S., Gordon is taking a phone call from the president himself (he stands while on the phone, and O’Hara takes his hat off), who is passing on a request from the first minister to have Batman come to Londinium to solve these fog-bound robberies. Gordon’s heading to Londinium in any case for an International Police Commissioner’s Conference. (No doubt leading a panel called, “Upping Your Clearance Rate By Letting an Unpaid Vigilante Do All Your Work For You.”) He’s invited Barbara along, but she evinces no interest—until her father mentions that Batman’s supposed to come along, at which point, she agrees to accompany him.

Gordon picks up the red phone, which interrupts Dick’s drumming practice (to Bruce’s very very obvious relief) for the Boy Scouts Vaudeville Show (which he’s doing in a Beatles wig). Bruce accepts the first minister’s invitation, probably to spare himself more drumming (and that wig).

Apparently, the need for assistance with the robberies is so urgent that the Gordons are travelling to Londinium by boat. (It generally takes the better part of a week to travel from New York to London by ship.) Bruce, Dick, and Alfred are also on board, allegedly to take care of Wayne Foundation business (which is also obviously not all that urgent if they’re traveling by boat…). Bruce brought along a gigunda crate, which he claims to Barbara contains everything Dick needs to keep up with his studies: a thousand key works of literature, biological specimens, and his desk. (Which is the exact same size as the Batmobile…)

O’Hara sees them off with flowers and champagne, and they head off in an incredibly leisurely manner toward Londinium. While their ship slowly crosses the ocean, Ffogg and Peasoup commit another robbery, this time of Easterland House to steal Lady Easterland’s precious horde of jeweled Russian Easter eggs (conveniently labeled, “LADY EASTERLAND’S JEWELED EASTER EGGS”). The next day, Peasoup reads in the paper that Batman is slowly wending his way across the pond to stop them. But Ffogg announces that they only have one caper left: the Crown Jewels in the Tower of Londinium. After that, they can retire.

Alfred has set up a secondary Batcave in a dungeon under a country manor house that Bruce has rented, complete with Bat-computer and Batmobile. They drive to Ireland Yard (Alfred gently reminding Batman to drive on the left-hand side of the road) and meet up with Superintendent Watson, along with Gordon and Barbara.

Batman asks to visit Ffogg Place—not, he reassures an outraged Watson, that he suspects a respected aristocrat of these crimes, but only to gather his thoughts, and also compare Ffogg Place’s famous aftergrass lawn with that of Wayne Manor’s (owned by his “good friend” Bruce Wayne, cough cough). Barbara goes along, ostensibly to check out Peasoup’s girls’ finishing school (run by Ffogg’s daughter Lady Prudence, actually a cover for more criminal activity).

Prudence shows Robin around the grounds, while Peasoup shows Batman and Watson the finishing school. Barbara begs off joining the latter, asking to use their telephone to call some local friends. Ffogg himself is pretending to be laid up with gout, his right foot in a large cast.

The Ffogg butler Basil leads Barbara to the phone, and she tracks down Alfred and has him fetch her Batgirl outfit and bring it to her, which he does in a cab he’s borrowed from his second cousin Cuthbert. She tells Peasoup that she’s being picked up by a friend and that she’ll call later to discuss the faculty position Peasoup has offered her at the finishing school.

While touring the grounds, Peasoup shows Ffogg’s collection of African death bees to Batman and Watson, while Prudence confesses to Robin that the finishing school is a front for training criminals.

Watson, Batman, and Robin head out, only to find a roadblock, which stops them long enough to be ambushed by Ffogg’s servants. Fisticuffs ensue, with Batgirl joining the fray, Barbara having changed clothes behind a nearby bush. In the melee, one of the thugs places a gas bomb in the Batmobile vent.

Our heroes are triumphant, and they recognize some of them as Ffogg’s staff. They head back to their Londinium Batcave, and the gas bomb goes off when they arrive, though they manage to extinguish the foggy gas before it takes them down.

They reconvene with Watson and Gordon in the former’s office. Watson remains outraged at the very notion of accusing Ffogg and Peasoup of these crimes. Before the discussion can continue, Barbara arrives with a package that was delivered for Batman—which then starts to smoke! Batman declares that it’s about to explode—

—and then the five of them just stand there and do nothing while it smokes and then nothing happens and then they open it to find three silver bells. Yeah, okay.

There’s a pub on the docks called the Three Bells—Watson used to bend his elbow there before the hippies took over—and there’s a ship going out that day with clothes being sent to their dominions.

Ffogg’s plan is to have Peasoup and her students steal the shipment, and also trap Batman and Robin, who will be at the Three Bells thanks to the clue he sent. Meanwhile, Barbara shows up for her interview with Peasoup—but now her ladyship has to rob a boat, so she leaves Barbara in Prudence’s hands.

The Batmobile arrives at the docks (where there is, I kid you not, a pub called “Chez Shakespeare”) locating both the Three Bells and the ship (labelled “LONDINIUM FASHION FRIGATE”). Batman can’t let Robin go into the pub, as he’s underage—Robin argues that it’s been taken over by hippies and the mod set, but Batman points out (rightly) that Robin isn’t very mod, and most hippies are much older than him. (I’m thinking mostly he wants to get away from the little twerp, as he’s still smarting over the drumming thing, but whatever.)

Batman enters to find Ffogg and his three thugs, and fisticuffs ensue. However, Batman’s alone, since Robin’s stuck out at the Batmobile, and Batman is defeated. For his part, Robin decides to cut the frigate loose so it can’t be robbed, which happens just as Peasoup and her students arrive. They capture Robin easily, since he’s too chivalrous to hit a woman (or five women).

At Ffogg Place, Barbara ends her interview with Prudence, who takes her everywhere except for the Cricket Pavilion (only Ffogg and Peasoup are allowed there). She also hints to Barbara about the finishing school’s less savory aspects, and then Barbara meets up again with Alfred to obtain her Batgirl costume. She changes clothes and sends Alfred to get a message to her father saying she’ll be late, and also to alert Batman and Robin to the shenanigans at Ffogg Place.

Batgirl breaks into the Cricket Pavilion to find the Count of Claremont’s coin collection, the Duchess of Desborough’s diamonds, and the snuffboxes and Easter eggs. Prudence—who seems to be playing both sides—turns on the paralyzing gas via a valve labeled, “CRICKET PAVILION PARALYZING GAS GAUGE! EMERGENCY USE ONLY!” and gasses Batgirl, leaving her paralyzed.

Ffogg has Batman tied up in the Three Bells and he uses a device that erases his memory. He zones out, and when he comes to, the pub is empty. He struggles out of his bonds and stumbles out onto the docks, completely amnesiac. Alfred shows up, intending to deliver Batgirl’s message (having tracked down the Batmobile), and drives him back to the auxiliary Batcave and gets his memory back. Batman immediately calls Watson, who is meeting with Gordon and O’Hara, who flew over to pick up the minutes for the conference to hand-deliver to Mayor Linseed on Gordon’s behalf and to justify paying Stafford Repp’s salary for the episode. Apparently solving a crime wave isn’t of sufficient moment to take an actual plane across the ocean, but hand-delivering conference minutes is. Sure. (Though I do get that Gordon doesn’t trust international mail, particularly in 1967…)

Meanwhile, Peasoup now has both Batgirl and Robin prisoner; she sends Batgirl down to the dungeon, but Ffogg has a much nastier fate for Robin: tying him to the winch that controls Tower Bridge, and he’ll be killed when the next boat sails under it and the bridge rises. Batman and Alfred arrive, having been sent there by a clue from the Bat-computer, and save him.

Just as Batman unwinds Robin from the winch, Ffogg and his thugs return, and fisticuffs ensue. Our heroes are triumphant, but Ffogg uses his pipe to create a fog that covers their escape.

Batgirl is still in the dungeon, having finally shaken off the paralyzing gas just in time for Ffogg and Peasoup to toss fatal fog pellets into the dungeon to kill her.

Batman and Alfred go to Ffogg Place in Alfred’s cousin’s cab, while Robin drives over in the Batmobile. The latter arrives to find Batgirl’s suitcase that she kept her costume in, then he hops the fence and goes in. He moves quickly through the grounds, only to trip over the Death Bee Beehive Tripwire, despite the fact that—contrary to the very reason for a tripwire—it’s clearly labelled “DEATH BEE BEEHIVE TRIPWIRE.” The world’s fakest looking bee pokes her head out. Prudence arrives to taunt Robin even as the queen bee lands on his glove.

Alfred and Batman arrive in Cuthbert’s cab, where they find Batgirl’s suitcase also. Batman resists the temptation to look in the suitcase to see if he can learn her true identity, and sends Alfred to the city to fetch Gordon. (If that was what he was going to do, why have him drive separately to Ffogg Place in the first place????) Batman hops the same fence and enters the grounds.

Ffogg sends the thugs after Batman, but he’s disappointed to see that his lethal fog pellets have gone stale, and Batgirl is still alive. As they go to fetch a fresh bunch of them, Basil calls to inform them that Batman got away from them and is coming to the Cricket Pavilion. (Earlier, Peasoup said that Ffogg is the only person who knows the number to the Cricket Pavilion, which raises the question of how Basil can be phoning them there…) Ffogg angrily fires Basil and then he and Peasoup hide. Batman arrives and goes to the dungeon to rescue Batgirl. Ffogg and Peasoup sneak up behind Batman and toss him down the stairs, and this time use a fresh batch of lethal fog pellets. Prudence then leads Robin in, announcing that he’s been bitten by the African death bee, and it’s only a matter of time before he perishes. Triumphant, Ffogg and Peasoup go off to the Tower of Londinium to steal the Crown Jewels.

Batman and Robin are able to escape thanks to the stuff in their utility belts. Peasoup’s students are smitten with Robin, and they waylay him, while Batman is able to free Batgirl from her chains.

Alfred (who was last seen being told by Batman to go back to Londinium, yet here he is still there) forces open the very same gate that Batman and Robin couldn’t get through. Take that, Sean Pertwee! He enters the grounds, and overhears Ffogg and Peasoup gloating over the three heroes’ deaths, and also over their plan to steal the Crown Jewels and escape to Argentuela, which has no extradition treaty.

Robin jumps out of the girls’ dormitory, and meets up with Alfred at the Batmobile. Robin has Alfred call Gordon to warn them about the planned theft of the Crown Jewels, while Batman and Batgirl escape by using an Indian rope trick to climb out of the dungeon. (Don’t even ask…) They’re reunited with Robin, and they head off to stop Ffogg and Peasoup and their students.

At the Tower of Londinium, the bad guys are about to steal the Crown Jewels when Batman, Robin, and Batgirl arrive and fisticuffs (and swordplay) ensue. Ffogg tries to use his pipe, but Batman stops him, and then Watson and some constables show up to take them all away.

Back in Gotham City, the president calls Gordon to thank him and Batman, and also to invite Batman and Robin to a Texas barbecue he wants to hold in their honor, but Batman politely declines. And then Bonnie buzzes Gordon to tell him that Catwoman just made off with some policewomen’s uniforms…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Dynamic Duo bring the Bat-computer, the Batmobile, the Batmobile Bat Tracker, and the Recollection Cycle Bat Restorer on their trip. The Batmobile comes equipped with a General Emergency Bat-Extinguisher and an Anti-Mechanical Bat-Ray (which is stored in the bat-glove compartment), and Batman always keeps some Anti-Lethal Fog Bat-Spray, a bat-file, and a Pipe of Fog Bat-Reverser in his utility belt. For his part, Robin’s utility belt is well stocked with anti-African Death Bee antidote pills.

Batgirl has an anti-eavesdrop plug that she puts on the Ffogg phone (which is good, as Ffogg, Basil, and pretty much the entire household staff is eavesdropping on the conversation).

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When Watson first mentions the fake fog, Robin grumbles, “Holy haziness.” When Prudence informs him that the finishing school is teaching the girls to be criminals, Robin on-the-noses, “Holy contributing to the delinquency of minors!” When they hit a roadblock, Robin again on-the-noses, “Holy roadblocks!” When Batgirl shows up, Robin once again on-the-noses, “Holy show-ups!” (Really! He said that!) When the gas bomb goes off in the Batmobile, Robin coughs, “Holy surprise parties!” When Watson decries the notion that Ffogg and Peasoup could possibly be criminals, Robin utters, “Holy gullibility!” When they open the gift of three silver bells, Robin literary references, “Holy tintinnabulation!” (This is officially my new favorite “holy” utterance, mostly because I love the Edgar Allan Poe poem in question, which actually isn’t one of his best, but what I love about it is the use of “tintinnabulation” in order to make the meter work, so the fact that Robin references it is awesome. Obviously, Poe’s poetry is one of the thousand works of literature he allegedly brought with.) When Watson tells them that there are hip clothes from Barnaby Street being shipped out that day, Robin intones, “Holy rising hemlines!” When the girls insist that their mistreatment of Robin was merely a scholastic exercise, Robin complains, “Holy homework.” When Batman tells Robin that he and Batgirl escaped via an Indian rope trick, Robin says, “Holy levitation.”

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon is in Londinium for a conference of police commissioners. Meanwhile, Watson is about as effective as his Gotham counterpart, more’s the pity, though at least we know it’s probably at least in part because he likes to hoist a few at his local. Oh, and he has a red phone in his office for no obvious reason, though apparently Batman can call it from a red phone he brought from the U.S., something that cannot possibly have worked in 1967.

Special Guest Villains. Rudy Vallee plays Ffogg, while Glynis Johns plays Peasoup. Vallee was making a comeback on Broadway in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying (also starring in the film version that came out the same year as this episode), though it’s not clear why, on a show that was never afraid to cast Brits in other roles (including the female half of this duo), an American was cast. Then again, I’m still trying to figure out what they were thinking casting Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins…

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. The girls at the finishing school are ga-ga over Batman and especially Robin.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“These surroundings have a familiar feel.”

“Yes, Batman, décor in a police department varies little the world over.”

–Batman and Gordon lampshading the fact that Watson’s office is a redress of the set for Gordon’s.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 57 by host John S. Drew with special guest chums, Jim Beard (Gotham City 14 Miles), Andrew Leyland (Hey Kids, Comics! podcast), and Ben Bentley (66batman.com).

Madge Blake makes her final appearance as Harriet in “The Bloody Tower.” She only appeared onscreen twice more—in an episode of The Doris Day Show and the TV movie Hastings Corner—before she died in 1969 of arteriosclerosis.

Maurice Dallimore returns as Watson, having previously played Sir Sterling Habits in “The Bat’s Kow Tow” and the UK delegate in the feature film.

The first draft script was by Elkan Allan, a Brit and also a producer of Ready Steady Go! This was his first work for American television, and script editor Charles Hoffman took a stab at it, probably to make it more Batman-ish.

Just as Gotham City is a riff on New York and New Guernsey a play on New Jersey, Londinium is a play on London—though London was allowed to be London in “The Cat’s Meow” / “The Bat’s Kow Tow.” Chuckingham Palace, Ireland Yard, the Tower of Londinium, Barnaby Street, and Bleet Street are plays on Buckingham Palace, Scotland Yard, the Tower of London, Carnaby Street, and Fleet Street, respectively.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Cool it, Ringo.” Most of the time, I don’t subscribe to the so-bad-it’s-good theory of viewing things. I mean, some things are so bad that they have entertainment value, and some things are deliberately absurd for its own sake.

Batman ’66 dances all over the line on that particular score, never more so than in this three-parter. Ultimately, though, it winds up failing, mostly because the absurdities aren’t there for the fun of it or for satirical purposes or for camp purposes, but because they decided they were going to do a London—sorry, Londinium story, and dammit, they were going to make it work no matter how many contortions they had to twist themselves into.

And hoo-hah, do they twist themselves. We have to have the Batmobile, so we have our heroes go over the ocean on a ship to help solve the crimes—a process so slow that another crime takes place while they’re en route! And the only reason to go by ship is so they can contrive an excuse to get the Batmobile across the pond. And then when they finally arrive, we get a bunch of obvious Southern California locations and redressed sets, with absolutely no feeling that we’re in the Old World except for some bog-obvious stock footage. The somewhat surreal feeling that the obvious sets provide actually kind of works in Gotham, which is so completely fictionalized (for all that they’re playing at being New York), but this storyline shatters that illusion because Londinium is just as fake, even though it’s a much more direct analogue to a real place (one with far more history, too).

So much doesn’t make sense here. Why does Ffogg use his pipe to cause fog after they’ve broken in to cover their escape? Besides the fact that there aren’t any witnesses in general, wouldn’t it make more sense to cover their breaking and entering as well as their escape? Why does Prudence play both sides? That never pays off. Neither does Ffogg’s fake gout, which barely survives the first part, and is hardly mentioned after that (though it makes for a dandy alibi, at least until he stupidly abandons it). How is stealing a bunch of clothes bound for export going to give Ffogg and Peasoup control of London’s fashion industry? (Probably the same way winning a surfing contest would lead to Joker ruling the world…) We won’t even go into the Indian rope trick…

The pacing in this three-parter is appalling, with the odd decision not to end individual episodes on proper cliffhangers made all the stupider by having actual mid-episode cliffhangers that would have been much better suited to bridging the week between episodes (like Robin tied up in the Tower Bridge winch). I mean, it’s not as lame as Batman answering the phone at the end of “The Sport of Penguins,” but it’s still pretty weak-tea stuff.

On top of that, we’ve got the cutesy-winky bits regarding what Charles Hoffman thinks British dialogue and culture is like (for example, the need to use every bit of clichéd Cockney slang whenever Ffogg’s thugs are speaking) and the sledgehammering of Batgirl into a story for which she is utterly unsuited and unnecessary—unlike the other stories this season, Batgirl doesn’t actually accomplish much of anything. Worse, on three separate occasions, Barbara says, “I’ll explain later” with regards to how she accomplished something, and she never actually explains any of it.

At this point, the contrivances to keep the three heroes’ identities secret have cut off the air supply to my disbelief. I just find it impossible to credit that nobody even suspected that Batman and Robin aren’t actually Bruce and Dick, who happen to be going to Londinium at the same time as Batman and Robin on the same ship (ship!!!!!) as Gordon and Barbara and oh yeah, they have a Batmobile-sized crate in cargo. Not to mention Batgirl showing up at the same time as Barbara, and also Batman now knowing that Alfred has a relationship with Batgirl.

From all accounts, Rudy Vallee was a chore to work with on the set, which makes the decision to cast him even more incomprehensible, especially since he’s pretty dreadful in the role, providing about as much excitement as equally somnabulent performances from Art Carney and Van Johnson and Michael Rennie. Which is all the more unfortunate because Glynis Johns is magnificent as Peasoup. Her daffy charm works perfectly in the role. Pity it’s wasted here. Apparently, stretching this to three parts was a way to amortize the considerable cost of having both Vallee and Johns on the show. They should’ve just stuck with Johns and done this is as a single episode or a two-parter. Sheesh.

Bat-rating: 1

Keith R.A. DeCandido was last in London in 1999, and he really wants to go back.

“Catwoman’s Dressed to Kill”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by Sam Strangis
Season 3, Episode 14
Production code 1717
Original air dates: December 14, 1967

The Bat-signal: Gotham City’s ten best-dressed women are being announced at Le Chat Maison by Rudi Gernreich, and he also presents a special award to Batgirl for being the best-dressed crime-fightress. Catwoman shows up with her two thugs, Manx and Angora, to protest Batgirl winning anything when she’s around. She tosses a hair-raising bomb at the ten women, and it makes their hair go all poofy.

Gordon and O’Hara are present to accept the award on Batgirl’s behalf and they proceed to do nothing but thumpher while Catwoman does her thing, and then they head straight to the Bat-phone, because heaven forfend they do their jobs.

Bruce and Dick are actually in town shopping for a tuxedo when Bruce’s pen beeps, indicating Gordon’s call. They change clothes in Bruce’s limo and leg it to GCPD HQ, where Barbara is visiting her dad. She suggests using Batgirl as bait, but Batman patronizes her, tells her not to worry her pretty little head, and says to leave the crime-fighting to the men. It’s possible something was said after this, but I was too busy throwing up at the misogyny.

Catwoman’s hideout is an abandoned loft in the heart of the garment district (conveniently labelled with a sign that just says “ABANDONED” across the door). Her target is the Golden Fleece, a dress made of 24-karat gold owned by Queen Bess of Belgravia, who is visiting Gotham City.

She sends a taunting telegram to Gordon, saying she plans to hit the annual fashion show at Fashionation Magazine’s showroom. He shares this with Batman, who urges Gordon not to tell Batgirl, as it might be a trap for the latter. However, Barbara is visiting Gordon, who tells her, since she’s not Batgirl (har har).

Catwoman does indeed hit the fashion show, and so do the Dynamic Duo—who are stopped by a net Manx and Angora throw over them—and Batgirl—who pulls the net off them. Catwoman escapes to the women’s dressing room, knowing Batman and Robin won’t go in to that hallowed and forbidden no-man’s land (a phrase used by both Catwoman and Robin). Batgirl can go in safely, though, but she is immediately ambushed and kidnapped by Catwoman.

When Batgirl’s been in over a minute, Batman and Robin bite the bullet, cover their eyes, and enter. They stumble around the room for quite a while before the models take pity on them and say they’re fully clothed.

Catwoman plans to steal the Golden Fleece at three o’clock when the queen is scheduled to have an audience with Batman—but Batman will be too busy rescuing Batgirl to be with the queen, so Catwoman is free to steal the dress. She ties Batgirl to a platform and sets a pattern-cutter on her.

Batman and Robin figure out that Catwoman’s target is the Golden Fleece, and they head out to GCPD HQ to meet up with Gordon and O’Hara for their audience with Queen Bess. Catwoman then calls to provide the address where Batgirl is trapped. They send Gordon and O’Hara ahead to the Belgravian embassy, then use the Bat-phone to have Alfred rescue Batgirl (which he does while disguised as the world’s oldest hippie, done to preserve Batman and Robin’s secret IDs), then head to the Belgravian embassy, where Catwoman has already subdued the queen and her entourage and taken the golden fleece.

To Catwoman’s chagrin, not only do the Dynamic Duo show up, but so does Batgirl. Fisticuffs ensue, and Catwoman is taken away. As an added bonus, Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Gordon, and O’Hara are awarded with the Royal Order of the Belgravian Garter for recovering the Golden Fleece and rescuing Queen Bess from the closet Catwoman had locked her in. But they’re interrupted by Bonnie, who urges Gordon to turn on the TV, which shows that Egghead and Olga are back in town.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Bruce has a pen that lights up and beeps if the Bat-phone is called and nobody’s home.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy Robert Louis Stevenson” is Robin’s literary utterance when they discover that Batgirl’s been kidnapped. “Holy priceless collection of Etruscan snoods” is Robin’s theory as to what Catwoman’s next crime might be. “Holy dilemma” and “Holy crucial moment” are Robin’s on-the-nose proclamations when they’re on the horns of a dilemma and when they arrive at a crucial moment, respectively.

Gotham City’s finest. When presented with the lady-or-the-tiger dilemma of stopping Catwoman’s theft or rescuing Batgirl, it never occurs to anyone that the police could, perhaps, handle one of the two items, a pretty damning indictment of the GCPD’s competence.

Special Guest Villain. With Julie Newmar unavailable due to being on location to film Mackenna’s Gold, the role of Catwoman once again had to be re-cast, this time with the magnificent Eartha Kitt. She’ll be back, teamed up with the Joker, in “The Funny Feline Felonies.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. With the mixed-race Kitt now in the role of Catwoman, all sexual tension between her and Batman is drained from the scripting, since we can’t have a white guy flirting with a black woman…

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“In any comparison between Batgirl and myself, she runs a poor third.”

–Catwoman talking smack.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 58 by host John S. Drew with special guest chums, Michael Falkner, host of The Weekly Podioplex.

This episode was actually produced after Kitt’s subsequent appearance in “The Funny Feline Felonies” / “The Joke’s on Catwoman,” but was aired first.

Rudi Gernreich, a major player in the fashion industry and one of the most innovative fashion designers of the time period, appears as himself.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “She may be evil, but she is attractive.” Let’s get this out of the way—Julie Newmar is, has, and always will be perfection in the role of Catwoman. There is no denying her place atop the pantheon of women who have played the role over the years. She was, in fact, the first to do so, and remains in many ways the Platonic ideal.

But that doesn’t mean that others can’t also put their stamp on the part, and what I like about Eartha Kitt’s portrayal is that she totally makes it her own. Lee Meriwether was pretty much doing Newmar’s shtick only less slinky (she was actually much more interesting as “Miss Kitka” than she was as Catwoman), but Kitt does her own thing. Where Newmar is a sleek tabby who pretends to be affectionate right before she claws you, Kitt is a feral cat who claws at you right away.

Kitt’s performance is a delight, and she lights up the screen whenever she’s on it. The glee she takes in being evil is refreshing and fun, and it’s great to watch.

A pity the rest of the episode’s a disaster. I think it’s hilarious that Batman singles Catwoman out for having an ego because she gloats of her crime ahead of time—how is it more egotistical to come out and say what her crime is, as opposed to leaving some kind of abstruse clue about it like most of the other folks in his rogues’ gallery? And the sexism is poured on thick and heavy in this one, from the most horriblest thing ever to be done to ten fashion models is to ruin their hair (to make matters worse, it’s not phrased as a bad thing to do to models, but a bad thing to do to women overall, because of course, all women are vain and self-centered…), to Batman’s patronizing exhortation to Barbara to leave the crime-fighting to the men, to Batgirl’s inability to get out of the deathtrap herself (though it does give another chance to see Alfred in disguise—take that, Sean Pertwee!). Though at the very least they also give us the doofier side of chivalry in the Dynamic Duo’s idiotic stumble through a dressing room.

Kitt is enough to make the episode watchable, but not much beyond that.

Bat-rating: 5

Keith R.A. DeCandido loves cats.

“The Ogg Couple”
Written by Stanford Sherman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episode 15
Production code 1705-3
Original air dates: December 21, 1967

The Bat-signal: Once again, Olga rides down the streets of Gotham City with her Cossacks on horseback, Egghead trailing behind on a burro. We only see Egghead, because horses are beyond the means of the third season budget…

They arrive at the Gotham City Museum (clearly labelled, “LOS ANGELES COUNTY HISTORICAL AND ART MUSEUM,” cough cough) where they keep the Silver Scimitar of Taras Bulbul, which is only to be pulled out of the golden Egg of Ogg that it’s embedded in by the rightful queen of the Cossacks. Olga yanks out the scimitar (which only comes loose after Egghead applies some Egg of Ogg Acid), while Egghead keeps the golden egg.

Gordon gets the report that Egghead and Olga are back to their old tricks—apparently after the last time, Egghead got out on a legal technicality and the Bessarovians refused delivery of Olga and her Cossacks when GCPD tried to extradite them—and immediately goes for the red phone.

Dick cuts short his study of the life of Genghis Khan and our heroes slide down the batpoles and head to GCPD HQ, where Gordon offers to compile a list of egg-related items that Egghead might go after.

At their hideout, Olga and Egghead discuss plans while the Cossacks do their victory dance. Egghead intends to steal lots of things to serve as Olga’s dowry so they can be married. His first target: a shipment of five hundred pounds of caviar that was a gift to the people of Gotham City from the Czar of Samarkand. Said fish eggs are worth two hundred bucks an ounce.

Gordon takes a rain check for lunch with Barbara because of the danger from the bad guys. He also urges Barbara to keep this to herself, as there might be panic in the streets (never mind that the bad guys in question are riding down the street on horseback in front of everybody). Barbara goes home and changes into Batgirl.

In the Batcave, the Dynamic Duo go through possible targets of Egghead’s thievery and warn them—among them the Lo Hung Company, makers of egg-drop soup, and Canes Candy Company, manufacturers of chocolate Easter eggs. They then recall that (a) Samarkand is adjacent to Bessarovia and (b) Samarkand donated all that caviar. They head out to the bank where it’s being stored.

At the Gotham City National Bank, the manager is quite proud of the fact that he had all the bank’s cash shipped upstate—but it never occurred to him to do likewise with the caviar, so Olga and her Cossacks steal it. Egghead shows up long after they’ve gone (because his ass is slow, ahem), and the security guard holds Egghead at gunpoint—right when Batgirl shows up. Rather than get shot, Egghead agrees to take Batgirl to their hideout. Egghead reluctantly climbs onto the back of the Batgirl-cycle and leads her there. Fisticuffs ensue, but while Batgirl holds her own against the Cossacks, Olga tosses some caviar on the floor that she slips on.

Batman and Robin arrive at the bank, where the bank manager fills them in. They head over in time to see Batgirl tied up and dancing the saber dance, which involves the Cossacks attacking her with sabers, and Batgirl using Yvonne Craig’s dance training to keep from being impaled.

More fisticuffs ensue, but Olga and Egghead dump the still-bound Batgirl in the cold caviar, and they use the distraction of our heroes rescuing her to make their escape. But at least they recovered the caviar…

Luckily for everyone, Batman had O’Hara surround the building, so they GCPD was able to capture Egghead, Olga, and the Cossacks. Batman and Robin confer with Gordon and O’Hara in the commissioner’s office about how they’ll get a more well-balanced diet than eggs and caviar in prison when Barbara enters, saying that she saw Catwoman and Joker driving down the street together…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman is able to trace the Batgirl-cycle with the Bat-Geiger counter, as the cycle uses radioactive spark plugs. Why Batman has never used this method to track down where Batgirl goes after she routinely disappears is left as an exercise for the viewer.

Batman also apparently keeps a small broom in his utility belt, handy for brushing bits of caviar off a costume…

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Robin grumbles, “Holy Tartars” when they are told that Egghead and Olga are back, prompting Batman to reply, “Unholy Tartars, Robin.” After they rescue Batgirl from the caviar, Robin complains, “Holy cold creeps.” And when they learn that Joker and Catwoman are teaming up, Robin sighs, “Holy here we go again.”

Gotham City’s finest. For some reason, Gordon agonizes over having to call Batman in, feeling a certain amount of guilt and reluctance. This is wildly out of character, as Gordon tends to default to the Bat-phone when someone litters, but whatever.

Special Guest Villains. Vincent Price and Anne Baxter are back as Egghead and Olga, Queen of the Cossacks. This was actually originally planned as the second part of the three-part story featuring Egghead and Olga, but this one was carved out and shown later.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Batgirl gets dipped in caviar. I’ll be in my bunk…

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“I believe you overestimate your undertaking abilities, Egghead.”

–Batman’s clever response to Egghead’s threatening to kill him.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 59 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Kevin Lauderdale, author, podcaster, and gadfly about town.

The title is a play on The Odd Couple, which at the time of this episode was only a well-regarded, award-winning play. The following year, it would be adapted into a movie starring Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon, and it has been adapted into four different TV series between 1970 and the present.

The scimitar that Olga steals is a play on the 1835 novel Taras Bulba, another romance involving Cossacks, which was adapted to film numerous times, most notably one starring Yul Brenner in 1962.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Bessarovia didn’t want the Bessarovians.” This episode would have worked far better in its proper place between “The Ogg and I” and “How to Hatch a Dinosaur.” Egghead’s desire to collect a dowry follows on nicely from the attempted wedding in “The Ogg and I” and stealing the dinosaur egg continues Egghead’s theme of egg-related thefts to build up a dowry, not to mention the scimitar going along with Olga’s desire to be the legitimate ruler of the Cossacks. Not to mention Dick studying up on Genghis Khan, which previews the conqueror’s samovar in “How to Hatch a Dinosaur.”

As it stands right now, it feels oddly incomplete and disjointed. The theft of the scimitar doesn’t pay off, and the bad guys wind up being captured off-camera in the lamest of possible climaxes in order to make it all work. Sadly, this just turns Batman into an even bigger dick with his lecturing Batgirl about how superheroing isn’t really women’s work, when he knows full well that O’Hara and his men are outside rounding up the Cossacks.

Batman and Robin figuring out that the caviar is next on the egg-themed hit parade actually makes sense, but we never find out how Batgirl figures it out (possibly the same way, but maybe show us more of that and less unconvincing bluescreen footage of Batgirl riding down the street?). And Batman can trace the Batgirl-cycle through its radioactive spark plugs? Really? Never mind the can of worms this opens with regard to the Dynamic Duo continuing to be stymied by who Batgirl is, there’s also the fact that Batgirl is riding around with radioactive spark plugs. She’s gonna need that wig for both identities once her hair starts falling out…

Vincent Price and Anne Baxter are a delight as always. Baxter apparently went to the trouble of learning some actual Russian (including bunches of profanity) to make the role more convincing, and Price is never not wonderful (his interplay with Yvonne Craig is actually a lot of fun), but the whole episode is just off-kilter.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s latest work was just released this week: the third Super City Cops novella, Secret Identities, following up from Avenging Amethyst and Undercover Blues. Telling the story of cops in a city filled with superheroes, these novellas are published by Bastei. You can get the eBooks from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Kobo, and read an excerpt from Avenging Amethyst right here on Tor.com.

You really should go see The LEGO Batman Movie if you can—not just because a lot of us really need some escapism right now, but because it’s one of the best Batman movies ever made.

Seriously. This, the 1966 Adam West-fronted Batman, the 1989 Tim Burton movie, and 2005’s Batman Begins are the ones to beat…and I’d rate LEGO Batman over two of those in a heartbeat. Not only is it endlessly funny (the jokes start before the picture does), but it’s extremely clever, draws from a bottomless well of Batman lore, and is genuinely sweet.

Oh and also? Best Barbara Gordon EVER.

Mild spoilers follow.

The premise is this: Batman’s awesome. We know this because he tells us so, repeatedly. He saves Gotham, is beloved by its people, and returns home to his sweet mansion on his private island to…microwave some Lobster Thermidor and watch Jerry Maguire. Alone.

Again.

Alfred (voiced by Ralph Fiennes) knows the score, because Alfred always knows the score. His boss is terrified of being part of a family again. Batman is the World’s Greatest Commitment-phobe and he’s convinced himself he’s happy that way. He even pushes the Joker away, denying the fact that they have a relationship with the deathless line, “I am…fighting a few different people; I like to fight around.”

That moment shows up in the trailers and gets a big laugh. What follows it is actually better, as Batman, his voice simultaneously gravelly and emotionless, tells the Joker that no one means anything to him. It’s a moment of unusual dramatic weight, and is one of several hefty emotional blows the movie lands right on target. This characterization serves up a vision of Batman as Bruce Wayne’s protective armour, and while that’s not new ground for the character, it’s rarely been mined as well as it is here.

First, Bruce falls madly in love with Barbara Gordon (played by Rosario Dawson). He doesn’t actually…talk to her much, but Cutting Crew plays every time he sees her and he instantly transforms into a black-clad ball of justice with a total inability to talk to girls. So entranced is he, in fact, that he doesn’t notice that Dick Grayson (Michael Cera) has talked his way into being adopted by Bruce. Then there’s the fact that the Joker surrenders, plus the Joker’s plan to force Batman to accept just how much they’re connected, Barbara becoming police commissioner, and a very, very different relationship with the GCPD to deal with. It’s enough to make anyone’s armored face disguise spin.

The film’s entire plot is designed to break Bruce down emotionally, to the point where he’s able to admit that he needs other people. It could be hokey and, at times, it is—but it’s never less than genuine and often really sweet. There’s an especially great action sequence which nails the “Two of my friends are about to die but I can only save one of them?!!” dilemma of classic comic covers. Plus a later moment, which sees Bruce pull a little bit of a Wrath of Khan on Team Bat, is possibly the first time you’ll ever feel sorry for a colossal walking bat vehicle made out of LEGO. Poor Scuttler. Best of all, though, is the way Arnett’s Batman begins to let people in. He’s still super serious, super badass, and super super awesome, but he’s also calmed down a bit. The Batman we see at the end of the movie might even be invited to the annual JLA party. He’d still want to DJ, and cater, and do the fireworks (all in the shape of bats, naturally), but it’s a start.

There are two brilliant choices the film makes as a result of this narrative and unfortunately, I can only talk about one without spoiling things. Please trust me, though: what happens in the second half of the movie is not only one of the best rolling action sequences you’ll see this year, but also gleefully over the top and wickedly smart. There are at least four full-on gut laugh moments, and the whole thing manages to simultaneously map the exuberance of playing with amazing toys onto actual honest to God postmodernist literary theory. With punching. And Batmobiles.

The thing I CAN talk about is how the thrust of the main narrative changes the other characters and does so very much for the better. Anyone worried that Cera would be playing Scott Pilgrim here should relax. This Dick Grayson is very young, very sweet, and the closest the movie gets to a straight man for Batman’s jokes. The running gag about his costume (you’ve probably seen some of this in the trailer) is great. His constant inveigling of parental love from Bruce is even better. Also there’s a lovely moment before he finds out the truth about Batman where he thinks Batman and Bruce Wayne are “roommates” and refers to them as his two dads. The last place I expected to see a subtle, positive acknowledgement of same sex parenting was in a LEGO movie, but I’m so glad it’s there.

Alfred fares very well, too. Fiennes’ pained, precise diction is perfect for the world’s finest butler and this Alfred has a far gentler edge to him than recent versions. Where Jeremy Irons’ Mr. Pennyworth was a tetchy if charming wannabe grandfather, Fiennes plays the character with a good deal more serenity and mischief. Plus, Alfred’s role in the closing action sequences is both welcome and surprisingly large. Never, ever mess with the butler.

But it’s Barbara Gordon who’s the breakout star of Team Batman, here. A graduate of “Harvard for Police,” Dawson’s Babs takes over from her dad as commissioner and spearheads a very different version of the GCPD. She’s the movie’s moral centre and is every inch the crime-fighter Batman is, but she comes at it in an entirely different way. It would have been so easy to make her the foil for every joke or an unassailable ideal, but instead she’s presented exactly as she should be: kind, brilliant, badass, and completely down to Earth. Barbara’s the emotional anchor for Batman’s entire plot, a vital part of the action, wears the most badass costume she possibly could, and is definitively (and, as far as I know, for the first time) a person of color. She’s still the exact same character, but once again the movie makes an immensely powerful point about diversity with grace, intelligence, and humor.

There isn’t a frame of this movie that doesn’t impress. There isn’t a single element that isn’t surprising, or witty, or fun. Richard Cheese makes his LEGO debut at one point with a loungecore version of “Everything Is Awesome,” the rogues’ gallery is stacked with gloriously awful obscure Bat villains (CONDIMENT KING!), and the soundtrack by Lorne Balfe is ridiculously clever. As well as the usual array of songs, some truly great, the score is littered with tips of the cowl to previous incarnations of Batman: Hans Zimmer-esque sliding key changes, hints of Danny Elfman orchestration, and actual honest to goodness “Na na na na na na na na na” Adam West-era touches abound. (Also, pay close attention to what the choir are singing, when it comes up. Trust me.)

This would have been such an easy movie to phone in. Arnett’s Batman was a breakout star already, the character has decades of lore and nostalgia to lean on, and the whole thing could have been put together to make a quick buck. Instead, Seth Grahame-Smith, Chris McKenna, Erik Sommers, Jared Stern, John Whittington, and director Chris McKay have assembled a movie that’s both a celebration and a roast of Gotham’s favourite son, one that still breaks new ground with the character. Supremely witty and often very, very funny, it’s a much-needed delight from the opening minutes (featuring dramatic music and a black screen) all the way through the very fun ending credits.

Alasdair Stuart is a freelancer writer, RPG writer and podcaster. He owns Escape Artists, who publish the short fiction podcasts Escape Pod, Pseudopod, Podcastle, Cast of Wonders, and the magazine Mothership Zeta. He blogs enthusiastically about pop culture, cooking and exercise at Alasdairstuart.com, and tweets @AlasdairStuart.

“The Funny Feline Felonies” / “The Joke’s on Catwoman”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episodes 16 & 17
Production code 1715
Original air dates: December 28, 1967 & January 4, 1968

The Bat-signal: Joker, having been paroled—his parole approved by the chairman of the parole committee who is, of course, Bruce Wayne—says his goodbyes to Bruce and Warden Crichton while wearing a very dapper—and very gray—suit. Crichton gives him a $10 bill, and Joker offers him a cigar in return. (Bruce declines, as he doesn’t use tobacco in any form.) To Crichton’s relief, the cigar doesn’t explode.

He’s picked up at the gate by Catwoman in her Catmobile, who holds a gun on him and makes him get in—except, of course, it’s for show, as this was Joker and Catwoman’s plan all along.

While Crichton sends his people out after Catwoman (something he doesn’t even think of until Bruce suggests it), Bruce calls home and has Alfred plug the line into the Bat-phone, so he can answer it when Gordon calls—which, of course, he does and he promises to be right there. (How “right there” he can be when he has to go from the Gotham State Pen to Wayne Manor and then get from there to GCPD HQ is left as an exercise for the viewer.)

Catwoman and Joker are holed up in a sleazy hotel that’s actually called The Sleazy Hotel, and which is across the street from police HQ. She uses her cat gun to fire a bullet into Gordon’s office, complete with a taunting note saying that the next one will be between his eyes. (Joker asks if Catwoman is going to kill Batman and she says no, but provides no good explanation, since she can’t actually say, “Because he’s the star of the show.”) Batman figures out which room the shot came from via math, and entering that room, he finds the suit Joker wore when he was released on parole and smells Catwoman’s perfume. The only other physical clue is a scrap of paper—which Batgirl palms when she flounces in offering to help, which happens shortly after Barbara arrived in Gordon’s office. Batman sees her do so, but lets her get away with it because he’s a condescending prick.

Catwoman brings Joker to their hideout, which is filled with cats and harlequins, as well as two henchmen, one dressed in Joker’s traditional henchgarb of a peaked hat and red vest, while the other is in the cat-outfits favored by Cat-henchmen.

She has a line on a cache of a million pounds of gunpowder that was hidden near Gotham during the French and Indian War, the hints from a piece of poetry written by the thief, the original manuscript of which is she stole from Gotham City Library. The map to the treasure can be found on an antique nightshirt and a small cradle. Catwoman deliberately left a bit of the manuscript behind in the hotel, which Batgirl purloined. Barbara quickly discovers that the manuscript is missing, but the library keeps a backup on microfilm.

Batgirl sneaks into Gordon’s office and uses the Batphone, urging Batman and Robin to meet her at Little Louie Groovy’s place. (At one point, while Bruce is still on the phone, Dick says, “Gosh, Bruce, I’ve always wanted to meet him!” which Batgirl could probably hear, so she now knows Batman’s real given name. Good job, Dick!)

Little Louie owns the antique nightshirt, and Joker, Catwoman, and their henchmen break in and take it right off his back—but then the Dynamic Duo arrive, and fisticuffs ensue. Our heroes are triumphant. Since Batman and Robin don’t know about the nightshirt’s value as a treasure map, Joker concocts a cock-and-bull story about how Catwoman wanted to play a prank on Little Louie. Joker insists he was duped by Catwoman, and he’s seen the error of his ways and offers to shake their hands. Because they’re saps, our heroes comply, and are zapped with buzzers that will kill them.

Batgirl finally shows up after the bad guys have left, and gives the boys an antidote pill. (She was late because of rush hour traffic and because she wouldn’t run red lights. Batman admires her law-abiding spirit, though the results nearly got them killed.) She also reveals why they stole the nightshirt. Their next target would be the cradle, which is in the possession of Karnaby Katz.

When they arrive at the Katz mansion, they’re too late, as the cradle has already been stolen. The heroes go their separate ways, but it turns out that Joker and Catwoman hadn’t gone far, and they took the Batgirl-cycle’s spark plug (which, as we know from last week, is radioactive…). They ambush Batgirl and tie her up with cat’s whiskers that will strangle her before long. However Batgirl manages to roll over to the sprinkler system and turn it on, the water causing the cat’s whiskers to expand rather than contract, and she’s free.

She calls Gordon and tells him to tell Batman to meet her at Grimalkin Novelty Company, which is the bad guys’ hideout. They work through the clues that will lead them to the gunpowder. Batman, Robin, and Batgirl follow along, leading them to the Phony Island Lighthouse. They unearth the two-century-old gunpowder, but then our heroes stop them. Catwoman hires Lucky Pierre to be their lawyer.

Batman is once again allowed to play prosecutor. He calls tons of people to the stand, but Lucky Pierre doesn’t cross-examine any of them, even though they all lay Catwoman and Joker’s crimes bare. He doesn’t sum up, either. The jury doesn’t even bother to deliberate—and they find the defendants not guilty.

The judge is appalled, but then the foreman’s fake mustache starts to come off, and Batman recognizes him as a former thug of Catwoman’s. (Why he didn’t recognize him during voir dire is left as an exercise for the viewer.) Batman moves for a mistrial on the grounds of a prejudicial jury, and then the foreman whips out a machine gun. Batman gets rid of the gun with his batarang, but then fisticuffs ensue with the jury, and our heroes are triumphant. Catwoman and Joker are led off to prison.

Back at Gordon’s office, Robin muses on how at least they got to meet some colorful characters on this caper. Gordon calls Barbara’s office and she reveals that Louie the Lilac just showed up at the library…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman and Robin bat-creep across the floor of Gordon’s office on what look like bat-skateboards. He uses a bat-fingerprint kit to dust the windowsill of the room in the Sleazy Hotel, which is a waste of time, as both Catwoman and Joker wear gloves. Batman tunes the bat-radar on the Batmobile to pick up the vibrations of the Catmobile’s motor. He carries anti-blast bat-powder in a handy aerosol can in his utility belt.

Batgirl has created her own antidote pills, probably from the chemistry extension courses she took in library school.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy special delivery” is Robin’s frightened response to the note in the bullet. “Holy return from oblivion” is Robin’s relieved response to them not blowing up.

Gotham City’s finest. The GCPD’s response to a bullet being fired into the commissioner’s office is—um, nothing. They lay on the floor a lot. Oh, but O’Hara does manage to restrain Catwoman in the end and hold her.

Special Guest Villains. Eartha Kitt and Cesar Romero return as Catwoman and the Joker. It’s Kitt’s second (and third) and final appearance as Catwoman after “Catwoman’s Dressed to Kill,” while Romero will return one final time in “The Joker’s Flying Saucer.”

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. To save time, Batman suggests that the three of them drive to Phony Island in the Batmobile, leaving the Batgirl-cycle behind for the nonce. Batgirl smiles and says, “Cozy,” which makes Batman uncomfortable and Robin a bit nauseous.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Karate isn’t effective unless accompanied by yelling.”

–Catwoman showing her ignorance of martial arts. Luckily for her, Little Louie Groovy’s subsequent moves prove that he is equally ignorant.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 60 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Michael Falkner, host of The Weekly Podioplex.

This was written to be Eartha Kitt’s debut as Catwoman, but it was decided to let her fly solo first in “Catwoman’s Dressed to Kill.”

Later in 1968, Kitt made cutting anti-war remarks at a White House function in front of Lady Bird Johnson, the First Lady, which led to her being more or less blacklisted and exiled, so not only was this her final appearance on Batman, it was her final appearance in an American production for a decade. For the next ten years, she worked mostly in Europe and Asia, before being welcomed back to the States by President Jimmy Carter in 1977 and her appearing on Broadway in Timbuktu! in 1978.

Lucky Pierre was played by Pierre Salinger, former press secretary to Presidents Kennedy and Johnson, an interim U.S. Senator from California for four months, and friend of William Dozier’s. The role was written specifically for him, complete with digs at his political career in the tag.

Little Louie Groovy was based on Phil Spector. He was played by Dick Kallman. Years after playing a character whose antique nightshirt was stolen, Kallman would become an antiques dealer and be shot and killed during a robbery of his store.

Joe E. Ross, best known for his roles on The Phil Silvers Show, Car 54 Where Are You? and It’s About Time, and for his trademark “Ooh! Ooh!” makes an uncredited cameo as Little Louie Groovy’s agent.

Catwoman’s green car is a reuse of a car from a 1964 episode of Bewitched.

The script originally called for a good-old-fashioned deathtrap cliffhanger bridging the two parts, but it was scrapped—either because of the no-cliffhangers philosophy of the third season or because the budget wasn’t there for an elaborate deathtrap (accounts are split on the subject, though both are likely, given how the third season was run). However, Joker’s expression of surprise in the lighthouse that the heroes are still alive after escaping said deathtrap wasn’t cut, thus making that line of dialogue particularly nonsensical, even by this show’s low standards.

Phony Island is another fractured New York location, in this case Coney Island.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “That’s the first time I ever heard a cat purr in French.” As is far too often the case with villain team-ups not in a feature film, this really only works for one half of the pairing. Joker serves absolutely no function in this episode except as Catwoman’s dumb-but-loyal sidekick. This is good for Eartha Kitt—she’s actually magnificent in this two-parter, slinking her way wonderfully through all of it—but a waste of Cesar Romero’s talents.

Still, this is an amiable throwback to the show’s earlier days, with silly bat-gadgets, tons of earnest moralizing, goofy guest stars, and a fun caper—at least until the anticlimactic climax followed by a truly bizarre courtroom scene. Writer Stanley Ralph Ross either doesn’t know or conveniently forgets that a judge has the power to vacate a verdict if he or she feels that the verdict is contrary to that which is presented by the evidence, and that certainly could have happened here.

(By the way, this is the second time Batman has prosecuted a case, and the second time he’s lost, as in “The Bird’s Last Jest,” he couldn’t convince a judge to arraign Penguin even though he admitted to the crimes he committed right there in front of everyone. Ol’ Bats should, perhaps, leave the lawyering to the professionals…)

It’s funny, but prior to this rewatch, if you’d asked me how many times Eartha Kitt appeared as Catwoman, I’d have said she probably appeared in about half as many episodes as Julie Newmar, so it’s rather a shock to realize that she only in a quarter as many. It’s to Kitt’s credit that she created that much of an impression in only three episodes—and not three of the show’s best, at that.

Still, even with the courtroom scene, the neutering of the Joker, and the obvious sops to the reduced budget (the sets are just getting more and more sparse), I’m favorably inclined toward the episode, mostly because of Kitt. (It’s also nice to see Batgirl get out of her own trap.) The visual of Catwoman, Joker, and the henchmen exaggeratedly stepping through Phony Island in single file is hilarious, Mr. & Mrs. Keeper’s vaudeville act is diverting, and while the satire of the music biz with Little Louie Groovy isn’t as biting as the show’s previous stabs at straight-up satire (notably “Hizzoner the Penguin” / “Dizzoner the Penguin,” “An Egg Grows in Gotham” / “The Yegg Foes in Gotham,” and “Pop Goes the Joker” / “Flop Goes the Joker“), it’s still fun.

Bat-rating: 6

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be a guest at Farpoint 2017 in Timonium, Maryland this weekend, both as an author and as a performer, the latter with both Prometheus Radio Theatre and the Boogie Knights. Other guests include producer/director Nicholas Meyer, actors Sam Witwer and Enver Gjokaj, authors Peter David, Michael Jan Friedman, Robert Greenberger, Glenn Hauman, David Mack, Marc Okrand, and Howard Weinstein, plus tons more authors, performers, podcasters, artists, and scientists. Keith’s schedule can be found here.

“Louie’s Lethal Lilac Time”
Written by Charles Hoffman
Directed by Sam Strangis
Season 3, Episode 18
Production code 1718
Original air date: January 11, 1968

The Bat-signal: Dick is holding a party for his friends at Bruce’s beach house in Ambergris Bay. Bruce has asked Barbara to chaperone with him. Dick and his friends find a huge chunk of ambergris, but before they can go try to find more, Louie the Lilac and two of his thugs show up to take the ambergris—and also to kidnap Bruce and Dick.

This is kind of a problem, insofar as Gordon’s call on the bat-phone is met with Alfred reluctantly telling him that Batman and Robin are out of town and unreachable.

Louie’s moll Lotus is thrilled at the ambergris, but she still needs glands and follicles and scent pouches from deer, beavers, civet cats, and muskrats. Louie—who sounds almost bored by the whole concept of cornering the market on perfume, soap, and cosmetics—sends his boys out to get the animals. Bruce—a famous sportsman and animal expert—will extract the needed body bits. Louie also plans to ransom Bruce and Dick for a million dollars.

Gordon, lost as usual without the Dynamic Duo, decides to put together a highlight reel of some of their exploits because—well, honestly, it’s totally unclear why they’re watching this highlight reel, though it’s all stuff that could not possibly have been filmed. (Hilariously, none of it is from “Death in Slow Motion”/“The Riddler’s False Notion” or from “Penguin is a Girl’s Best Friend”/“Penguin Sets a Trend”/“Penguin’s Disastrous End,” all episodes in which Batman and Robin were actually put on film as part of the plot…)

Alfred speaks to the press about the kidnapping, then is paid a visit by Barbara, who says that Louie the Lilac kidnapped Bruce and Dick. Her being a witness to the kidnapping is apparently not a good enough reason for her to tell her father that, since he apparently won’t trust her eyewitness account. (Nor that of Dick’s friends.) She gets Alfred to promise to let her know if he gets any leads, and when he gets Louie’s likely HQ from the Bat-computer, he passes it on to Barbara.

After dealing with a snooping maintenance man, Batgirl heads to Louie’s hideout, where she’s met by Gordon, O’Hara, a bunch of cops, and also the empty Batmobile (sent there by Alfred via remote control). The cops have the place surrounded—and then they stand around, since they figure Batman and Robin are inside. (They’re sorta right.) Batgirl goes in on her own, but Louie takes her out in half a second. Louie puts Batgirl in a macerating vat, which finally convinces Bruce to perform the operations on the animals in exchange for her life. Bruce asks only for two glasses of warm water.

Bruce and Dick are locked in the basement with the two glasses of warm water, at which point Bruce takes two pills out of his ascot, which unfold into their costumes in the water. They break out of the basement just in time to keep Batgirl from being boiled in oil (since Louie had no intention of keeping his part of the bargain, being evil and all). Fisticuffs ensue, and our heroes are triumphant. Batgirl goes to get the cops from outside, allowing Bruce and Dick to change clothes. They say that the Dynamic Duo continued onward, and Alfred remote drove the Batmobile away to make it convincing.

Gordon is exhausted from all that standing around outside, and tells Bruce, Dick, and O’Hara that he’s taking a vacation—but Bruce informs him that there will be a civic dinner in his honor next week, which was supposed to be a surprise. But the real surprise will be Nora Clavicle…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Bruce has a two-way wrist radio on his watch—just like Dick Tracy! The Batmobile once again travels through Gotham via remote control. Bruce has recently perfected quick-unfolding costumes, complete with fully stocked utility belts, that unfold in warm water, thus allowing our heroes to make a quick change and save the day. The belts include a bat-laser and a bat-grappling hook.

Meanwhile, Barbara has a secret Batgirl room instant transformer (handily labelled “SECRET BATGIRL ROOM INSTANT TRANSFORMER”), which disguises her Batgirl closet as a normal storage room, er, somehow. And next to it is the secret Batgirl room instant re-transformer (similarly handily labelled), which restores it to its usual crimefighter’s closet. She also has a Batgirl vat-opener in case some day she was imprisoned in a vat—which, to be fair, was always a likely occurrence once she decided to get into the costumed crimefighting biz.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy finishing touches!” is the best Robin can do when they put their quick-unfolding uniforms on.

Gotham City’s finest. Apparently, Barbara thinks so highly of her father that she is convinced that if she told him about a kidnapping that she and several other people witnessed, he would dismiss it.

Then again, their solution to a hostage crisis is to stand around and wait for Batman to tell them what to do, so perhaps Barbara is right to take matters into her own hands…

To be fair, they do manage to figure out Louie’s hideout on their own, which is a pretty impressive accomplishment for the GCPD…

Special Guest Villain. Milton Berle returns, following “Louie, the Lilac.” It’s not clear why this villain, in particular, deserved a return engagement when, for example, Joan Collins—who was way more interesting—didn’t, but such are the vicissitudes of life.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na. “You mean the stuff given forth by whales from which they make perfume?”

Dick’s hugely awkward reply to Bruce’s mention of ambergris that cleverly avoids calling it whale vomit.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. At the Wayne beach house, Bruce is wearing an ascot, Dick is wearing an orange shirt that could be used to signal ships in fog, along with shorts and moccasins, while Barbara is wearing a very hip and sexy red number. The three faces of 1968 sex appeal, ladies and gentlemen…

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 61 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Joseph Culp, a.k.a. “Captain Scotland,” host of The Highlander’s Heart podcast.

Nobu McCarthy, the former Miss Tokyo and a character actor who often played Asian roles, plays Lotus, Louie’s moll. Former child star turned character actor Percy Helton plays the janitor.

While Madge Blake does not appear in the episode, Harriet is mentioned.

The reel Gordon’s detectives put together of Batman and Robin’s exploits include scenes from “Come Back Shame”/“It’s How You Play the Game,” “Green Ice”/“Deep Freeze” (WILD!), “The Curse of Tut”/“The Pharaoh’s in a Rut,” and “The Zodiac Crimes”/“The Joker’s Hard Times”/“The Penguin Declines.”

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Those muskrats and muskdeer sure are musky.” The most somnabulent performance by a villain since Art Carney mumbled his way through “Shoot a Crooked Arrow”/“Walk the Straight and Narrow,” Milton Berle is practically checking his watch to see if it’s time for him to go home yet—or better yet, to the local bar—as he can barely be arsed to inflect the words he speaks. He doesn’t even have the swagger that he had in “Louie, the Lilac,” he’s just reading his lines as worst he possibly can.

On top of that, the episode is almost entirely filler. Barbara visiting Wayne Manor to talk to Alfred is a pointless scene—they could’ve just had Alfred call Barbara with the info from the Bat-computer—the highlight reel of (much better) past episodes serves no plot function whatsoever except to fill time, and the bit with Barbara and the maintenance guy is not only pointless, it’s patently absurd (this is the first time a bat-device has actively violated laws of physics, I think) and concludes with one of our heroes threatening the maintenance guy with gun violence if he invades her home again. Yeah. Any one of these things would be obvious filler, but three such scenes in a half-hour episode?

Of course, the actual plot calls for the kidnapping of several animals, the wrangling of which is so not in the budget. They’re, of course, unseen in the basement, and the producers can’t even be bothered to loop in some animal sounds, because, y’know, that would be an effort. And it’s pretty obvious that everybody’s given up on effort in this episode.

Bat-rating: 1

Keith R.A. DeCandido recently announced one of his niftiest new projects, which will be out this summer: Orphan Black: Classified Clone Report—From the Files of Dr. Delphine Cormier. This reference work is the ultimate companion to the BBC America TV series, and will be released alongside the airing of the show’s fifth and final season. More information on Keith’s blog.

“Nora Clavicle and the Ladies’ Crime Club”
Written by Stanford Sherman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episode 19
Production code 1719
Original air date: January 18, 1968

The Bat-signal: Gordon is being rewarded for his twenty-five years of service to Gotham at a luncheon at the Gotham Astoria. Gordon sits at the head table along with Barbara, O’Hara, Bruce, and Dick—and there are seats for Mayor Linseed and his wife, who arrive late. When they do show up, they’re arguing.

The argument ends, and Linseed presents Gordon with a 24-carat gold watch—and then discharges him, replacing him as commissioner with Nora Clavicle, a staunch advocate of women’s rights. Clavicle then enters with a woman beating a drum that says “WOMAN POWER,” and she then discharges O’Hara and appoints Mrs. Linseed to be the new chief of police.

Linseed later explains to Bruce that his wife refused to cook or clean or wash his shirts until he appointed Clavicle to be commissioner. He laments that he’s worn the same shirt for weeks and hasn’t had a decent meal in months. (Clavicle’s platform is that women can run Gotham better than men, and if the mayor doesn’t know how to operate a washing machine or get his staff to provide him with clean clothes and food, you can kinda see her point…)

Clavicle cuts off the bat-phone in the commissioner’s office, after informing Batman that his services will no longer be required. After she congratulates Chief Linseed on her reorganizing of the police department, she cackles diabolically, as this is all a plot to start a crime wave. She needs to get Batman, Robin, and Batgirl out of the way, so she has her henchwomen lure them to a bank robbery—said robbery goes off without a hitch because the policewomen are too busy fixing their makeup or discussing recipes to actually stop the crime. The dispatcher is sending all the cars to sales rather than crimes, though the bank robbery gets an offhand mention.

Batman, Robin, and Batgirl are listening to the police frequency, and so they check the bank robbery. They use the portable bat-computer in the Batmobile, which leads them, er, somehow to the Dropstitch & Co. warehouse, manufacturers of knitting needles. But Clavicle is waiting for them, and ambushes the trio, putting a knitting needle to Batgirl’s throat.

The henchwomen tie the three of them into a human Siamese knot. Any movement will tighten the knot and strangle them and/or break a bone or six. Clavicle reveals her master plan: She has taken out an insurance policy on Gotham City itself—so once she destroys it, she’ll be rich.

She’s going to destroy the city with little windup mice that will explode half an hour after sunset. She and her henchwomen wind them up and set them loose.

Batgirl gets a leg cramp, and the muscle contraction of that cramp combined with Batman wiggling his ears and Robin wiggling a finger enables them to untangle themselves. Sure.

They find one of the mice (two policewomen shrieking and standing on a lamppost in fear at the sight of it, because all women are afraid of mice, of course), and the explosive inside it. Batman has Robin call Chief Linseed to have her mobilize the police force, but they’re all standing on desks and chairs and fainting at the sight of mice.

However, Batman gives tin whistles to Robin and Batgirl and has them all play the same tune, which leads the mice to them. Batgirl takes the east side, Robin takes the west side, and Batman does midtown. They converge at the docks, trailed by windup mice, leading them into the river. Well, except for one that won’t go in—Batman plays the tune at the mouse until it falls in, it not occurring to him to pick the stupid thing up and throw it in.

Alfred, O’Hara, and Gordon were alerted by Batman to Clavicle’s likely fleeing of the city, where she exceeded the speed limit, so they made a citizen’s arrest. Somehow this is enough to put Clavicle and her henchwomen in prison and the men all get their jobs back, even though there’s no proof that Clavicle did anything wrong (aside from exceeding the speed limit, which is a fine-able offense, not an imprisoning one).

Still and all, somehow, Gordon and O’Hara are back to work—and then the Penguin calls Gordon with a threat…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Batmobile has a mobile bat-computer, which makes you wonder why they’ve driven the fourteen miles back to the Batcave to use the one there so many times in the past. Batgirl laments that she has nothing so sophisticated in her Batgirl-cycle. Batman also keeps three tin whistles in the Batmobile, apparently. (Maybe they were in his utility belt. Whatever.)

Holy #@!%$, Batman! After listening in on the police radio to the dispatcher discussing sales more than crime, Robin grumbles, “Holy bargain basements.” After Batgirl is captured by Clavicle and threatened with a knitting needle, Robin cleverly cries out, “Holy knit-one-purl-two!” After they’re tied into a human knot, Robin laments, “Holy hamstrings!” After finding out that Clavicle took out an insurance policy on the city, Robin says, “Holy underwritten metropolis.” After Batman suggests a way out of the Siamese knot, Robin utters, “Holy slipped disc!” After realizing how many windup mice there are, Robin yells, “Holy mechanical armies!”

Gotham City’s finest. After the mass firings by Chief Linseed, the Gotham City Unemployment Office has a special line for ex-policemen, on which we see O’Hara and Gordon standing.

Special Guest Villainess. The great Barbara Rush does the best she can as Nora Clavicle, bringing a certain elegance to the role. Rush is still alive, and was still acting as recently as a decade ago, with a recurring role on 7th Heaven while in her eighties.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“As the new police commissioner, I intend to carry on my crusade for women’s rights, and to prove that women can run Gotham City better than men. Much better.”

—Clavicle’s statement of intent. Given the competence level shown by the people who run Gotham City, she could hardly do worse…

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 62 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Chris Franklin, cohost of The Super Mates Podcast.

The two policewomen who discuss recipes outside the bank are played by twins Alyce and Rhae Andrece, who also played the Alice robots in the Star Trek episode “I, Mudd.” One of the great comic character actors, Larry Gelman—who’s pretty much the Platonic ideal of the shnook—plays the bank manager. Byron Keith makes his first of two third-season appearances as the mayor (he’ll be back one last time in “The Joker’s Flying Saucer”), while Jean Byron, late of The Patty Duke Show, plays his wife.

Apparently the name “Nora Clavicle” was supposed to be a play on Gloria Steinem, the women’s right activists who would later found Ms. magazine. I only know this because IMDB mentioned it in their “trivia” section for this episode, because I totally missed it. I guess Stanford Sherman thought “Steinem” was pronounced similar enough to “sternum” for the joke to work, but it really doesn’t…

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “This is torture at its most bizarre and terrible.” It’s easy to lament how little progress we’ve made as a civilization. Women still make less than men for the same work, women are still treated like crap and discriminated against on a regular basis, and every bit of forward progress seems to be marred by regression.

And yet, if you need to be reminded of how far we’ve come as a culture, just watch this episode.

Or, truthfully, any random episode of a TV show from this era. “Nora Clavicle and the Ladies’ Crime Club” isn’t any kind of outlier or radical notion. While it’s exaggerated the way everything is exaggerated on this show, portraying women as goofballs who stand on desks at the sight of a mouse and who are more concerned with fixing their makeup or discussing cooking or finding a sale than doing anything important, was considered normal and mainstream at the time, as is the horror expressed by Gordon and O’Hara that they’re being replaced by women.

Making this misogynistic disaster all the more appalling is the presence of Batgirl, who seems to go along with the disdain for Clavicle’s takeover, even though she should be in the heart of it, since she’s already done what Clavicle claims to be doing.

On top of that, when Clavicle shows up at Gordon’s luncheon to take over, all I can do is nod my head and say, “RIGHT ON!” when she says that women can run Gotham better than the men. I mean, c’mon, the authority figures of Gotham are Gordon, O’Hara, Linseed, and Warden Crichton, under whose tutelage we have goofily dressed criminals running around wreaking havoc on a weekly basis, and who are paralyzed with fear any time one shows up, leaving some random dude in a bat-suit to do their job for them.

Leaving aside the horrible misogyny, how far has the show fallen when the death trap is tying the three heroes into a human knot, pretty much the textbook definition of a low-budget trap, as it requires only the three actors contorted into what have to be uncomfortable positions? Plus it’s totally unclear how our heroes were led to the Dropstitch & Co. warehouse where Clavicle was waiting for them in ambush, since the bat-computer consulting happened off-camera with no explanation.

Clavicle’s scheme is actually entertaining, both in the use of windup exploding mice, and in doing it for the insurance money. I have to admit to being tickled by the policewomen being armed with brightly colored rolling pins, and am only sorry we didn’t get to see them wielded and used. Adam West, Burt Ward, and Yvonne Craig are obviously having a great deal of fun cavorting about with tin whistles on the unconvincing dock set, and Barbara Rush and Jean Byron both do quite well as Clavicle and Chief Linseed.

But these are not enough to redeem this offensive piece of crap. On top of everything else, because Clavicle and her help are all female, there’s no fisticuffs, because it’s unladylike for women to engage in such (which is why Batgirl never once threw a punch on the show), so the climax is very anti-.

This episode is an appalling relic of a bygone era. Some episodes of this show have aged like a fine wine. This one has turned into rancid vinegar.

Bat-rating: 0

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be one of the readers at the Line Break reading series tomorrow, Saturday the 5th of March, at 3pm at QED in Astoria, Queens, alongside Emily Alta Hockaday, Barbara Krasnoff, Jonathan Sumpter, and Andrew Willett. Come see him!

“Penguin’s Clean Sweep”
Written by Stanford Sherman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episode 20
Production code 1721
Original air date: January 25, 1968

The Bat-signal: At the Gotham City branch of the U.S. Mint, the Penguin breaks into steal a gift for his moll. O’Hara calls Gordon to let him know, as he’s at Wayne Manor, escorting Barbara to a meeting with Bruce to discuss her new position as the chair of the anti-littering committee. Gordon has O’Hara call Batman, so Alfred tells Bruce that a water pipe burst, and he needs a hand with the shut-off valve by way of covering to let him go into the study to answer the red phone.

Batman and Robin head to GCPD HQ, somehow arriving after Gordon has returned, even though Gordon has to travel the same distance and doesn’t have the benefit of a jet-powered vehicle. When they arrive, they bump into Penguin, his moll, and his two henchmen in the elevator. The Dynamic Duo escort the foursome to Gordon’s office, but it turns out that Penguin didn’t steal anything from the mint. Penguin threatens to sue the GCPD for false arrest but Batman points out that he still broke into the mint. Batman offers to drop the criminal charges if he drops the suit.

Gordon wonders why Batman gave him the offer, but Batman thinks they wouldn’t be able to hold him long on such minor charges. Batgirl shows up, claiming to have driven by the mint and found out what happened, and since Penguin didn’t take anything—even though he gassed the mint staff—they decide to head over to the mint and see what he might have left there. (Why they didn’t also arrest Penguin on assault charges in addition to the B&E is left as an exercise for the viewer.)

Using the portable bat-lab (kept in a blue case handily labelled, “PORTABLE BAT-LAB”), Batman discovers that the latest batch of moolah has the bacterium for Lygerian sleeping sickness mixed into the ink. According to the guard, a shipment of money was sent to the Gotham National Bank after Penguin’s break-in. Batgirl heads to the bank while Batman and Robin go to the hospital to obtain the vaccine for Lygerian sleeping sickness. (How a batch of money managed to actually be printed and put into circulation when the entire staff has been unconscious since Penguin broke in is also left as an exercise for the viewer.)

Unfortunately, Penguin is way ahead of them. He’s already at the hospital and has himself and his people inoculated against the sleeping sickness, then dumps the rest of the vaccine in the storm sink. When Batman and Robin arrive, he keeps them at bay with his deadly Lygerian fruit flies (kept in a small box labelled, “LYGERIAN FRUIT FLIES”). Batman and Robin manage to kill two of the flies, and they keep a third in a bottle for safe keeping.

Before Batgirl arrives at the bank, $13,000 of it has been circulated (how this happened in less than two hours is also left as an exercise for the viewer). Batman calls Gordon and urges him to tell everyone to not touch their money. The citizenry of Gotham immediately throw their money away, which leaves Penguin to vacuum it all up, since he’s immune to the sleeping sickness. Batgirl tries to stop him, but is gassed for her trouble.

Bruce calls several of his financier buddies and warns them not to take any cash from Gotham City. Meanwhile, Penguin and his gang are rolling in dough, but they can’t spend it thanks to Bruce calling all his fellow one-percenters. Furious, Penguin calls Bruce and threatens him with releasing five hundred Lygerian fruit flies on Gotham if he doesn’t reverse those calls. Bruce refuses, so Penguin unleashes the fruit flies and heads to the Gotham National Bank, where Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Gordon, and O’Hara are all waiting and pretending to be struck with sleeping sickness. But it turns out that it’s cold enough in Gotham today for the flies to go into hibernation. Sure.

Fisticuffs ensue, and Penguin is stopped. It also turns out that he asked the doctor for a double dose of the vaccine, which doesn’t actually make inoculations work better—it just makes you more likely to contract the sickness, as Penguin discovers when he starts to nod off.

Later, Gordon and Bruce both visit Barbara, but their pleasant coffee is interrupted by a call to Gordon from Bonnie, who transfers a call from Warden Crichton, warning him that Shame is being visited by two women: Calamity Jan and Frontier Fanny.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman keeps an all-purpose bat-swatter in his utility belt, but when a fruit fly lands on Robin’s nose, Batman doesn’t fulfill the dreams of the entire viewership by biffing the boy wonder with the bat-swatter, but instead whips out the bat-tweezers. The Batcave has a Bat-Weather Instrument that can predict the weather—to a degree, anyhow, as it misses the fact that it’s about to rain. We also get to see the Portable Bat-Lab, which apparently consists of a microscope…

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy hypodermics!” is what Robin exclaims when he and Batman head to the hospital. “Holy Rip Van Winkle,” is what Robin literary-references when Batman saves him from the Lygerian fruit fly.

Gotham City’s finest. It never occurs to trained law-enforcement personnel Gordon and O’Hara that they can still arrest Penguin for breaking and entering the mint, even if they can’t get him on robbery. Batman does remind them that B&E is on the table, but it doesn’t occur to any of the dunderheads that there’s also an assault charge to be made.

Special Guest Villain. It’s Burgess Meredith’s swan song as the Penguin (though he will make an uncredited cameo as Penguin two months hence on an episode of The Monkees).

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Hello, World League of Nations? I’d like to buy a country—what have you got? … No, I don’t want that one—I’m allergic to vodka.”

–Penguin trying to spend his ill-gotten gains.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 63 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Chris Gould, author of Batman at 45: The Ultimate Tribute to Pow, Bam, and Zap!

Penguin’s moll is played by Belgian actor Monique van Vooren, who was best known at this stage in her career for title role in Tarzan and the She-Devil (she played the she-devil, obviously), and who later would be known for her role in Andy Warhol’s 1973 cult classic Flesh for Frankenstein. She’s still alive, and her most recent credit is the found-footage film Greystone Park from Sean Stone.

John Beradino makes an uncredited cameo as a doctor, lampooning his then-current role as a doctor on the soap opera General Hospital.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Nobody catches the Penguin sleeping!” I spent a lot of time watching this episode staring at the screen, tilting my head, and saying, “Huh?” The script can’t seem to make up its mind as to whether or not Lygerian sleeping sickness is fatal, for one thing, which is just odd.

Even if it isn’t fatal, though, the response of the Gotham City citizenry to the knowledge that the sickness is in their cash makes absolutely no sense. If the money was dangerous, people might burn it, they might put it in a jar, they might take it to the bank to exchange it for non-contaminated currency. (Since all the bad currency came from one bank, they can just go to a different branch.)

The one thing I guarantee that no one would do is just dump their cash onto the street.

Which is kind of a problem, as the Penguin’s entire plot is predicated on that response. And it just doesn’t make any kind of sense. Neither does Bruce calling his rich buddies and telling them not to accept any cash from Gotham City—first off, international transactions on that level were made even then by wire transfer, not cash exchange, and secondly, I’m not sure that any millionaire, billionaire, or trillionaire would turn down a major financial transaction just because Bruce Wayne asked them not to…

On top of that, Batman just lets Penguin go after he committed a crime, because he wants to play out what the real big plan is. Well, why do that? Seriously, that’s some sociopathic shit there. It makes considerably more sense to just arrest the bastard…

Burgess Meredith does the best he can—his sardonic wordplay is as strong as ever here—and the opening finally shows that someone other than Bruce can be the chair of a committee or organization in Gotham. (Though really, Barbara? Anti-littering? That’s the best you can do?) But the plot is just dopey and cuts off the air supply to my disbelief, even more than most Batman 66 plots.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be a guest at the first-ever HELIOsphere convention in Tarrytown, New York this weekend, alongside guests of honor David Gerrold, Jacqueline Carey, and Danielle Ackley-McPhail, among many others. Saturday will be the launch party for Baker Street Irregulars, the alternate Sherlock Holmes anthology that Keith has a story in; fellow contributors Gerrold, Austin Farmer, Hildy Silverman, and Ryk Spoor, and co-editor Michael A. Ventrella will also be there. Keith’s full schedule can be found here.

“The Great Escape” / “The Great Train Robbery”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episodes 21 & 22
Production code 1723
Original air date: February 1 & 8, 1968

The Bat-signal: Calamity Jan and Frontier Fanny spring Shame from the Gotham City Prison with a big red tank. O’Hara calls Gordon, who is at his daughter’s place, along with Bruce, where they are having fondue. Gordon has O’Hara use the bat-phone, and Bruce nervously activates his cufflink, which signals Robin and Alfred that they need to set up the bat-answer-phone. (Why Robin doesn’t just answer the bat-phone himself—which he’s done in the past—is left as an exercise for the viewer.)

Gordon says that Shame has escaped. The recorded Bat-voice says that they’ll be right there. (Why Batman doesn’t just use a recording every time Gordon calls, given how generic these calls tend to be, is also left as an exercise for the viewer.) Gordon excuses himself, as does Bruce, as it wouldn’t be proper for him and Barbara to be alone together without a chaperone. (Ah, 1968…)

Bruce returns to Wayne Manor, and Batman and Robin head to GCPD HQ, where O’Hara reveals that Calamity Jan got the tank from Madman Otto’s Used Tank Lot. Only in Gotham City would there be a used tank lot.

Shame leaves a sawhorse (because an actual horse isn’t in the budget) with a note for Batman. Batman, for reasons known only to the voices in his head, reads the note in a Western accent, revealing that Shame intends to hit the Gotham City Stage at 8:45 that evening. He’s going to steal a rock and a roll. Batman and Robin head off to the Batcave to try to figure out the clues in the letter.

At the Gotham Central Park stables, Calamity Jan introduces the other two members of the gang—a Mexican named Fernando Ricardo Enrique Domingues (Fred for short), who speaks with a posh British accent, and a Native named Chief Standing Pat.

In the Batcave, they deduce that “a rock” is slang for diamonds, and “a roll” is slang for a bank roll. Then the bat-phone beeps, and it’s Barbara in Gordon’s office, saying that she (as Batgirl) has figured out what the Gotham City Stage is. They agree to meet, then Gordon enters the office, they exchange pleasantries, and Barbara leaves. Batman calls back to determine which corner, but Gordon says Batgirl isn’t in the office and never has been. At no point does he even consider the fact that his daughter was alone in the office with the bat-phone just a few minutes ago. For their part, Batman and Robin are baffled as to how Batgirl does it (Gordon never mentions to them that Barbara was in the office).

Shame and his gang break into the Gotham City Opera House, where the current opera playing is a Western, which would attract Shame. And the leading lady always wears a 283-carat diamond, while the leading man always carries a ton of cash on him for luck. Batman, Robin, and Batgirl catch the gang in the act of robbing the opera singers, and fisticuffs ensue.

But while our heroes take down the men-folk, Calamity Jan and Frontier Fanny spray them with fear gas, which makes them scared of everything. Shames leaves, taking Batgirl as a hostage. (Batman and Robin give her up in an instant.) They head back to the Batcave, where Alfred feeds them chicken soup laced with bat-antidote (though the fearful, paranoid heroes almost don’t eat it for fear that it’s poison; one wonders how they were able to operate the Batmobile in such a state). With pressure from Gordon (who is in turn getting pressure from the mayor and governor) and the urgency of Batgirl’s kidnapping, our heroes dope out that Shame is in the Gotham Central Park stables, and they head there, where Shame has a still-fearful Batgirl tied up. He sends Fred and Standing Pat to purchase what they need to rob the train, and then they head out. But as they leave, Standing Pat (who is very tall) bumps his head on the door, and Shame’s lucky horseshoe falls on Frontier Fanny’s head, knocking her out.

Batman and Robin arrive to find Frontier Fanny, who refuses to give up any info on her fellow criminals. Meanwhile, Shame and the rest of his gang steal weaponry from a gun shop, then they send Standing Pat to deliver a message: a trade of Frontier Fanny for Batgirl. Exchange is to be made at eleven o’clock at the Central America pavilion of the Gotham State Fair, which is shut down.

The exchange happens, but Shame comes well armed and intends to shoot the heroes down once Frontier Fanny is safe. Luckily, Batman has a chemical that makes metal twenty times heavier, which evens the odds. (How the stuff doesn’t affect any of the three heroes’ utility belts is also left as an exercise for the viewer.) Fisticuffs ensue, but our heroes are done in by Shame managing to pick up a gun long enough to shoot a piñata off the ceiling, which knocks our heroes for a loop, allowing the bad guys to escape.

Batgirl overheard Shame mention the great train robbery he’s planning (he’s mentioned it so often, Fred eye-rollingly mouths the words alongside Shame when he speaks of it), and they figure out that he’s after the bank train that takes tattered old money to the treasury to be destroyed. Shame breaks in with the only thing that can penetrate the armor of the train—a 283-carat diamond drill—and uses the fear gas on the guards.

Batman resorts to taunting Shame with a skywritten note calling Shame a coward who is afraid to face Batman mano-a-mano. Batman says his goodbyes to Robin, Batgirl, Gordon, and O’Hara in case he doesn’t make it out of the showdown alive, and then he heads to a condemned urban renewal district to confront Shame.

Shame, of course, brought his whole gang with instructions to shoot Batman. However, Robin and Batgirl suspected such a double cross, so they show up as well and hogtie the gang. Left to confront Batman alone, Shame tries taunting and cowering in fear, neither of which works particularly well, so fisticuffs ensue, and Batman is triumphant.

But while Shame, Calamity Jan, Frontier Fanny, Fred, and Standing Pat are all ensconced in prison, King Tut is in the process of breaking out of prison…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Emergency Bat-communicator is linked to Bruce’s cufflinks to signal that Robin and Alfred should set up the bat-answer phone, which has a prerecorded Batman voice saying, “Yes, Commissioner,” “What’s the problem, Commissioner?” and “We’ll be right there, Commissioner.” The stuff that the bat-antidote pills are made of apparently also comes in powder form, which Alfred puts in chicken soup for the Dynamic Duo. Batman has a chemical that makes metal twenty times heavier, bravery pills that can combat the fear gas, and a skywriting drone.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! After reading Shame’s note, Robin growls, “Holy gall.” Seriously, that was the best he could come up with. He scarcely does much better when they figure that Shame is going after diamonds, and he says, “Holy carats.” When they figure out that Shame’s hiding out in the park stables, Robin declares, “Holy hoofbeats!”

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon is utterly clueless as to the fact that his daughter is Batgirl, even though Batman tells him that Batgirl just called him on the bat-phone when Barbara was alone in his office, and even though Barbara goes missing at the exact same time that Batgirl is kidnapped. Having said that, O’Hara is critical in this one, as his having some tattered dollar bills in his billfold clue our heroes into Shame’s target.

Special Guest Villains. Cliff Robertson returns as Shame, following “Come Back, Shame” / “It’s How You Play the Game,” this time accompanied by Robertson’s real-life wife Dina Merrill as Calamity Jan. When he was approached to reprise the role, Robertson requested a role for his bride, and Stanley Ralph Ross accommodated him.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“You’re a sham, Shame. Don’t ever cry on my tights or pull on my leg again.”

–Batman doing his best John Wayne.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 64 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, serial podcaster The Hunnic Outcast.

The episode titles are both riffs on film titles, Part 1 being the 1963 John Sturges film starring Steve McQueen, Part 2 the 1903 silent short by Edwin S. Porter (and also the name given to a 1963 heist in the UK).

Frontier Fanny was played by Hermione Baddeley, who was also in Mary Poppins, and would later go on to fame as Mrs. Naugatuck on Maude.

The two opera singers (played by Dorothy Kirsten and Brian Sullivan) are named Leonora Sotto Voce and Fortissimo Fra Diavolo. Sotto voce and fortissimo are Italian terms used in music that indicate, respectively, vocalizing quietly and playing loudly, while fra diavolo is the name of a hot sauce.

Leave it to Beaver‘s Jerry Mathers make an uncredited cameo as the stage door manager, who is nicknamed “Pop” even though he’s only seventeen, while standup comic Arnold Stang makes an uncredited cameo as the gun-shop owner.

When Batman’s skywriting note appears, Shame’s gang cry out, “Look! Up in the sky!” “It’s a bird!” “It’s a plane!” This was the famous opening to the Superman radio show, and was also used on The Adventures of Superman TV show.

This is the last story in the show that was told in more than one part.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “You sure he’s Mexican?” Parts of this final two-parter are magnificent. I love Batman reading Shame’s note in a Western accent. I love how craven Batman and Robin are under the influence of the fear gas. I love how Batman calmly replies to each of Shame’s insults with a reasonable calm response. (“Your mother wore Army shoes!” “Yes, she did. As I recall, she found them quite comfortable.”) I love that Gotham City has a used tank lot. I love that it takes the brain power of all three heroes to dope out the opera-house robbery. I love the easy banter between the husband-and-wife team of Cliff Robertson and Dina Merrill as Shame and Calamity Jan. I love that Batgirl and Robin save the day by actually expecting the bad guys to go back on their word, thus saving Batman’s trusting ass from getting shot.

And oh my goodness do I love Fred! Barry Dennen is superb here, looking every bit the unbathed, droopy-mustachioed Mexican that was a tired staple of Westerns, but speaking with a posh British accent and with a delightfully withering dry wit. Honestly, this whole storyline is worth it just for Fred and his sardonic commentary. He’s fantastic.

But there are serious problems, too, most of them relating to Standing Pat and Frontier Fanny, who embody awful stereotypes. Even as Fred is nicely subverting clichés, these two are living down to them in the worst way. Standing Pat started out promising, using a cigar to “speak” in smoke signals, handily translated by Calamity Jan, but they abandoned that in short order, and Standing Pat started talking like a not-too-bright eight-year-old, the common Hollywood stereotype of the type, but no less offensive for that—and without the satirical elements that made the show’s last Native stereotype, Screaming Chicken, at least tolerable.

On top of that, Frontier Fanny’s sole purpose is to be The Annoying Mother-in-Law, which not just offensive, it’s lazy. Not to mention a waste of Hermione Baddeley’s talents, as she’s utterly wasted in a thankless role here.

In addition, Shame has been seriously dumbed down here. He was actually a clever foe in “Come Back, Shame” / “It’s How You Play the Game,” but here he can barely string a sentence together, and he’s constantly baffled by Fred’s erudition. It just feels wrong, never more so than when he cowers before Batman in their climactic confrontation.

The comedy is fast and furious in this one, and while the script doesn’t do Robertson any favors by turning Shame into an idiot, his comic timing is superb, as is his Western drawl, perfectly embodying the many Western bad-guy clichés that the character needs to embrace to work. In addition, Adam West nicely channels John Wayne and Gary Cooper at various points, being even more the stiff-jawed hero than usual.

It’s flawed, but still fun, and certainly a damn sight better than most of the third-season offerings.

Bat-rating: 6

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be a guest at I-Con 32 this weekend in Brentwood, New York, alongside fellow authors David Gerrold, Peter David, Christopher Golden, and Cory Doctorow, as well as Daniel Knauf, Cecil Baldwin, Rikki Simmons, Pamela Gay, and tons more. You can find his schedule here.

“I’ll Be a Mummy’s Uncle”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by Sam Strangis
Season 3, Episode 23
Production code 1725
Original air date: February 22, 1968

The Bat-signal: King Tut is being treated at the Mount Ararat Psychiartric Hospital. Tut has gone on and on and on and on about his problems for so long that his shrink falls asleep, giving Tut the opportunity to make his escape. He immediately hits the Rosetta Stone Company (according to their sign, they are manufacturers of cornerstones, curbstones, cobblestones, and milestones) and steals $47,000.

The sleepy shrink calls Gordon to inform him of his somnabulent screwup, and Gordon heads straight for the red phone. Batman and Robin hie themselves to GCPD HQ, where Barbara is visiting her Dad (does she ever actually work in the library anymore, or just loiter in her father’s office?).

Tut believes there is a vein of nilanium—the hardest metal in the world—under Wayne Manor. He intends to buy the land next to Bruce’s house (which Bruce has put on sale for $47,000 to aid in the property shortage) and then dig for the metal.

The Bat-computer provides the lot Bruce is selling, but Batman assumes that the computer’s off-kilter, as he’s selling that for $48,000. However, Tut is friends with Manny the Mesopotamian, an unscrupulous real-estate dealer who will sell it to Tut for $47K.

Tut arrives at Manny’s just as Barbara is about to leave—she’s there to look for a place in the suburbs for her father, who’s tired of city congestion—and she observes the transaction as Tut buys the property.

Barbara, as Batgirl, calls Bruce to warn him, and Bruce passes on a message to Batman for her (cough) to meet at Gordon’s office in half an hour. But then the Bat-computer reveals two things: that there is nilanium under Wayne Manor (why this fact was never revealed previously is left as an exercise for the viewer) and that Tut is digging for it—and his mining operation will lead him right to the Batcave!

After calling Batgirl in Gordon’s office to tell her to meet them on Tut’s new property, Batman and Robin hoof it to the mine. (The Batmobile might be seen with all the miners wandering about. Why Batman didn’t consider the possibility of people seeing the Batmobile when he put the property up for sale is also left as an exercise for the viewer.)

Tut’s miners hit the titanium shell around the Batcave, and they’re afraid to blast it due to the danger. Tut laughs in the face of danger, and he volunteers to do the blasting himself. That’s when Batman, Robin, and Batgirl all show up. Tut and his gang retreat down the shaft in a minecart, with the heroes following on foot. Batman asks Batgirl to stay behind and guard the entrance in order to protect the secret of the Batcave, and Batgirl inexplicably goes along with it even though Batman can’t provide a convincing reason.

Tut and his people burst into the Batcave, and Tut is overjoyed to realize that he has discovered Batman’s secret. Batman and Robin arrive and fisticuffs ensue, trashing the Batcave something fierce. Tut gets away, though, but before he can reveal his secret, a rock falls on his head, the cranial trauma reverting him to his other personality of a Yale professor of Egyptology.

Tut—or, rather, Professor McElroy—returns to work at Yale, but then a flying saucer containing the Joker is sighted over Gotham…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! The Dynamic Duo use the Bat-directional finder to track Tut’s mining movements. Batman requires a bat-compass to inform him that north-northeast is in a north-northeasterly direction. Yeah. Batman has bat-nesia gas that erases short-term memory, thus keeping the henchmen and moll from remembering that they learned Batman’s secret. He runs out of it before getting to Tut, and so must rely on his being thunked on the head to save the secret of his real name.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Upon learning that Wayne Manor is sitting on a vein of nilanium, the hardest metal in the world, Robin’s response is to cry out, “Holy hardest metal in the world!” Upon discovering that Tut and his gang are riding down the tracks to the bottom of the mine (and the Batcave), Robin’s response is, “Holy journey to the center of the Earth!” Upon arriving at the end of the mineshaft after running up it, Robin grumbles, “Holy waste of energy.” Upon discovering that Tut has reverted to his professorial persona, and won’t reveal their identities, Robin sighs, “Holy razor’s edge.”

Gotham City’s finest. Gordon is no longer satisfied with his brownstone in Gotham City and is looking for a place in the ‘burbs.

Special Guest Villain. Victor Buono makes his final appearance as King Tut. Of the villains created for the show, he was the first and the most successful, having appeared in eight episodes all together.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Very good, Robin, I didn’t know you were a student of the classics.”

“Batman teaches me a little poetry in between remanding criminals to jail.”

“Enough prose and cons, Robin.”

–Barbara complimenting Robin on a literary citation he made, Robin accepting the compliment, and Batman making an awful pun.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 65 by host John S. Drew with special guest chums, Robert Greenberger (author of The Essential Batman Encyclopedia) and Jim Beard (editor of Gotham City 14 Miles).

This episode was originally written to be part two of the story begun in “The Unkindest Tut of All,” but Stanley Ralph Ross rewrote it as two parts, with the secondary roles rewritten and recast as different people. The one link between the two is the general theme of Tut learning Batman’s secret identity, and also Tut finding the life-sized dummies of Batman and Robin that were used to show Batman and Bruce in the same place at the same time in the other episode.

King Tut’s real name is revealed to be William Omaha McElroy, which is a tribute to executive producer William Dozier, who was born in Omaha and whose dog was named McElroy. In addition, H.L. Hunter is a play on oil tycoon H.L. Hunt.

Henny Youngman is the latest comedian to make an uncredited cameo, in this case as Manny. Playboy Playmate Victoria Vetri, credited as Angela Dorian, plays Florence, and unlike the last time I thought she was in something I was rewatching, this time it’s really her.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “I prefer not to think about those things, Robin, they depress me.” A fitting finale for the fake pharaoh, as Victor Buono remains his usual spectacular self, the plot is pretty straightforward Bat-stuff, and a good time is had by all. Batgirl is sadly underused in this one, though this time it’s mostly due to her not being able to know what’s at the end of the mineshaft.

Amusingly, the script itself plays with the absurdity of the secret-identity thing, as Tut just assumes that Batgirl, Gordon, and O’Hara already know that Batman is Bruce Wayne—which is a reasonable assumption, since it makes no sense that there’d be so much trust there without that secret being known. But whatever.

What’s particularly hilarious about this one is that, aside from the fight at the very end, the Dynamic Duo don’t actually accomplish anything. (Well, okay, they break the world-record for running the mile three times over, but big whoop.) Batgirl does more actual useful superheroing as Barbara when she learns of Tut’s real-estate purchase, though the Bat-computer also informs Batman of it, so she isn’t all that useful either. Basically, Tut succeeds in everything he wants to accomplish, and only loses in the end because a rock falls on his head. (Batman claims that he deliberately taunted Tut so that he’d raise his voice loud enough to shake loose the rock.)

The wordplay is a delight in this one, from the prose and cons pun to Tut referring to Batgirl as the Dynamic duenna to all the nomenclature references (Manny the Mesopotamian, Mount Ararat Psychiatric Hospital, Rosetta Stone, etc.). Just tremendous fun.

Bat-rating: 8

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be a guest at (Re)Generation Who 3 this weekend in Baltimore, Maryland, alongside Doctor Who actors Sylvester McCoy, Ingrid Oliver, Katy Manning, Neve McIntosh, Catrin Stewart, Peter Purves, Terry Molloy, and Richard Franklin; fellow writers Andrew Cartmel, George Mann, John Peel, and Paul Magrs; and tons more cool folks. Keith will have a table, where he will be selling and signing books, and will also be doing a one-hour presentation Saturday at 4pm and a panel on writing science fiction with Peel and Mann Saturday at 7pm.

“The Joker’s Flying Saucer”
Written by Charles Hoffman
Directed by Sam Strangis
Season 3, Episode 24
Production code 1720
Original air date: February 29, 1968

The Bat-signal: The citizenry of Gotham City is convinced that there will be an alien invasion, despite assurances by Gordon to the contrary. Professor Greenleaf is trying to convince Barbara (who’s actually working in the library!) that humanity should submit to their new alien overlords. While Barbara doesn’t buy Greenleaf’s story, she does see a green-skinned and -haired man vandalizing the library.

Faced by near-harassment from the people of Gotham, Gordon does the same thing he always does when required to do his job: he calls Batman. The Dynamic Duo slide down the poles and drive to GCPD HQ.

Turns out the rumors were started by the Joker, who designed a flying saucer while in prison with the help of his pickpocket cellmate.

Batman, Robin, Gordon, and O’Hara question a Mrs. Green, who insists she saw a three-foot-tall Martian man in Gotham Central Park. And then Barbara arrives at Gordon’s office completely a-quiver, telling our heroes about the little green man in the library. Said little green man, whose name is Verdigris, has also been in the Batmobile, where he’s left a bomb to go off at midnight. The Dynamic Duo head back to the Batcave, not realizing the Batmobile is bombed, and eventually they figure out where they’ve seen Mrs. Green before: she was the front-woman for a bunko artist (which is what they called grifters in the 1960s).

Professor Greenleaf also turns out to be working for the Joker. The criminal clown’s next move is to steal some beryllium for the flying saucer from the Wayne Foundation. Batman figures out that it’s the Joker, so he has Alfred check on the Wayne Foundation security and also informs Gordon that the Joker is the likely culprit.

Barbara was in Gordon’s office when Batman called, so she heads off to change to Batgirl. Batman and Robin get into the Batmobile at midnight, at which point the bomb goes off, half-destroying the Batcave.

Joker stole the beryllium, and also captured both Alfred and Batgirl (off-camera!) and bring them back to his hideout—an abandoned launching-pad factory—with Joker assuming that Alfred is a mad scientist.

Batman and Robin survived the bomb blast, though the Batcave is a disaster area, with all the phones and radios destroyed—including the Bat-phone.

Joker finishes the flying saucer and ties Batgirl to a rocket. His plan is to send her off into space while Joker will orbit the Earth a few times then launch his “invasion.” Batman and Robin manage to rig up a radio, and Alfred finally gets through and reports to Batman.

Batgirl is able to keep from being shot into space, but Joker still takes her with him in his flying saucer, which goes into space, orbits the Earth a few times (allegedly getting too close to the sun at one point), then returns to earth. However, Alfred was able to put in some homing, er, uh, something in the beryllium that forces it to land back in Joker’s hideout. Alfred surreptitiously lets Batman know this, and so the Dynamic Duo are waiting for Joker and his gang when they arrive back at the abandoned launching-pad factory. Fisticuffs ensue, and Batman, Robin, and Batgirl defeat the would-be invaders in time for Gordon and O’Hara to arrive to take them all to the hoosegow.

Batman and Robin put the Batcave back together, but then they’re alerted by Gordon to a strange happening in Spiffany’s…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! We see the newest absurdly specific device in the Batcave: the Current Criminal Activity Bat-Disclosure Unit, which apparently provides the details from the script of the episode they’re in. Also our heroes have taken to wearing Anti-Thermal Bat-T-Shirts under their costumes, which protect them from the bomb blast, er, somehow. With the Batmobile buried under rubble, our heroes get to use the Bat-cycle to drive to the Bat-copter. However, the Batmobile bomb-detector seems to be on the fritz, since it totally misses the bomb that was placed in the Batmobile…

Batgirl has a fuse extinguisher in her Batgirl utility belt.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! “Holy interplanetary yardstick” is Robin’s clever rejoinder upon being told that Mrs. Green encountered a supposed Martian who was three feet tall. “Holy rock garden!” is his exclamation after the bomb has made a big mess of the Batcave. “Holy known unknown flying objects!” is Robin’s bizarre response to Alfred’s report on Joker’s plan, which is so bizarre that Batman doesn’t understand it and asks him to repeat it (it doesn’t help).

Gotham City’s finest. Apparently, everyone in the world feels that the logical thing to do when they see a flying saucer or hear about an alien invasion is call the police commissioner of Gotham City. Sure.

Special Guest Villain. This is Cesar Romero’s swan song as the Joker, thus going out with a significant whimper.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“You suppose there’s a working launching pad left in this abandoned launching-pad factory?”

“Yes, there’s one in the launching-pad equipment locker, Joker.”

–A delightful exchange between Joker and his henchman.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 66 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Jim Beard (editor of Gotham City 14 Miles).

The footage of the flying saucer in the sky is taken from the 1953 movie Invaders from Mars, while the footage of the Bat-copter is taken from the Batman feature film.

Joker assumes Alfred is a mad scientist, even though Alfred previously defeated the Joker singlehandedly in “Flop Goes the Joker.” You’d think Joker would remember that.

Verdigris is played by Richard Bakalyan. It’s never made clear who he really is or where he comes from. His name is a slightly more subtle take on the emerald theme of the episode, with the constant references to little green men from Mars and characters named Greenleaf, Emerald, Chartreuse, Shamrock, and Green.

Byron Keith makes his final appearance as Mayor Linseed. Fritz Feld returns as Greenleaf—he previously played Oliver Muzzy in “Pop Goes the Joker.”

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “We’ll return to Gotham City where I’ll ultimate my ultimatum!” This episode isn’t a total disaster, mostly by virtue of Richard Bakalyan, who cavorts beautifully with Cesar Romero, and also by virtue of Romero himself, who’s never not fun.

But holy cow, what a misbegotten mess! This is perhaps the worst treatment of the Barbara Gordon/Batgirl character all season, as we start with Barbara screaming at the sight of Verdigris in her library, and continue to her being captured off-camera, and then being barely in evidence in the fight scene at the end. The one and only thing she accomplishes is to not be shot into space.

Not that Batman and Robin do much better. Aside from the fisticuffs at the end, they don’t actually accomplish anything on their own, as the Batcave’s computers tell them that it’s the Joker, and it’s Alfred who mostly saves the day. (Batman doesn’t even notice the bomb in his car…)

And even by this show’s standards, the plot’s ridiculous—though in keeping with the Joker’s previous plans. I mean, he’s already managed time travel and robotics, why not space travel as well? And why not just use it for petty larceny? Sheesh.

Not the best episode for Romero to go out on, but the man himself is, as ever, having a grand old time cackling his way through the episode.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido is running a Kickstarter for Mermaid Precinct, the long-awaited fifth novel in his series of fantasy police procedurals. Please consider supporting it! He will be a guest at the Central Pennsylvania Comic Con this weekend in York, Pennsylvania, where he’ll have a table to sell and sign books.

“The Entrancing Dr. Cassandra”
Written by Stanley Ralph Ross
Directed by Sam Strangis
Season 3, Episode 25
Production code 1722
Original air date: March 7, 1968

The Bat-signal: It’s midday at the Gotham City Alchemical Bank & Trust Company which, according to the sign on the door, is “A financial institution so conservative it pays no interest at all.” Okay then.

Dr. Cassandra Spellcraft and her husband Cabala swallow their invisibility pills and proceed to invisibly rob the bank, so it appears only that a bag of money is floating out of the bank. Gordon is informed of the robbery, but before he can call Batman, Cassandra and Cabala enter the office, still invisible and, after subduing Gordon and O’Hara, call Batman. Cassandra taunts him and assures him that he won’t be able to stop her from entrancing the city.

Bruce and Dick waste no time in sliding down the bat-poles and heading to GCPD HQ. They arrive to find that Barbara showed up to visit her father and has applied first aid to Gordon and O’Hara. Batman suggests accompanying Barbara to the library to check some books on the occult.

After stealing $600,000 from various places, Cassandra and Cabala return to their hideout. While Cassandra’s family history is one of failure—an alchemist who created TNT and blew herself up, another who fell in her universal solvent and was dissolved, and another who was crushed by her perpetual motion machine—she intends to succeed by freeing all the arch-criminals from the Gotham State Pen and turning them into her invisible army.

Batman finds Cassandra—and her family history of failure—in Who’s Who in Alchemy. Cassandra meanwhile challenges Batman, announcing to Gordon that she’ll steal the Mope Diamond from Spiffany’s this very day.

Cassandra and Cabala arrive at Spiffany’s, and threaten to steal the diamond. Batman, Robin, and Batgirl show up and she hits them with her Alvino Ray-Gun, which alters the structure of their molecular cells (seriously, that’s what she said—it’s almost hard to believe her family failed at science) and renders them all two-dimensional. Cabala piles them on the floor while Cassandra takes the diamond.

She delivers three flat heroes to Gordon’s office. They’re still alive—O’Hara can feel their pulses—but there’s nothing anyone can do for them. O’Hara suggests calling “the voice” who sometimes answers the Bat-phone. A devastated Alfred has Gordon ship them to the main Gotham City Post Office, and he’ll see what he can do. He picks up the flattened heroes in a ridiculous disguise and puts them in the Three-Dimensional Bat-Restorer.

Cassandra is not satisfied with beating the Terrific Trio—now she wants to bring Gotham to its knees. She and Cabala enter the Gotham State Pen while invisible and turn visible in time to hold Crichton and his captain hostage. She breaks Joker, Riddler, Penguin, Catwoman, Egghead, and King Tut out of the Arch-Criminal Wing. (Why Catwoman is Caucasian again, and why King Tut is locked up when we last saw him restored to his professorial persona are both left as an exercise for the viewer.)

In the Batcave, Alfred summons the Batmobile back to the Batcave, then beats a hasty retreat so Batgirl doesn’t see him.

Gordon calls on the Bat-phone to inform Batman of the prison break, and the Bat-computer reveals their location. Once the Batmobile returns, they hie themselves to the basement of the Mortar and Pestle Building on Abracadabra Alley.

Cassandra meets with her new allies, and explains how they’ll divvy up Gotham: Catwoman gets the fish markets, Egghead the poultry farms, Penguin the ponds and parks, King Tut the museums, and Joker and Riddler split the amusement parks. Cabala gives them all invisibility pills, and when Batman, Robin, and Batgirl arrive, they all take them.

Invisible fisticuffs ensue, as our heroes get their butts kicked by foes they can’t see. Batgirl hits on the notion of turning out the lights, which Batman does with a gadget. Darkened fisticuffs ensue, and our heroes are triumphant.

With the bad guys put away, Gordon and O’Hara arrive at Minerva’s Mineral Spa…

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman keeps a mini-bat-phone in his utility belt, thus almost anticipating the advent of cell phones. Or at least it would be if it wasn’t a toy phone…

The Batcave comes equipped with a Three-Dimensional Bat-Restorer, and Alfred also makes use of the Batmobile remote control. Our heroes use the Bat-computer to determine Cassandra’s hideout and Batman uses the Bat-sleep on Batgirl so she won’t know the Batcave’s sooper-seekrit location. He uses some manner of gadget—a bat-laser?—to turn out the lights in Cassandra’s hideout, a bat-flashlight, and an anti-Alvino Ray bat-disintegrator so Cassandra can’t flatten them a second time.

Holy #@!%$, Batman! When Batman likens Cassandra’s invisibility to a magician’s trick, Robin grumbles, “Holy disappearing act.” When Batman reveals who Cassandra is, Robin mutters, “Holy unrefillable prescriptions” for some reason. When our heroes are hit with the Alvino Ray-Gun, Robin shudders, “Holy helplessness.” When Batgirl discovers that she’s in the Batcave, Robin sighs, “Holy giveaways.” When informed that all the arch-criminals have been released from jail, Robin screams, “Holy catastrophe!”

Gotham City’s finest. O’Hara takes the glass off the bat-phone before Gordon can even say anything, and Gordon compliments him on his mind-reading abilities. Right, because it was so surprising that Gordon might call Batman when something weird happens.

More impressively, though, O’Hara has finally, after all this time, noticed that there’s some weird British guy who answers the bat-phone sometimes and maybe he can help? And indeed, Alfred saves the day by having the two-dimensional heroes shipped to him anonymously, restoring them, bringing back the Batmobile, and keeping his connection to Batman and Robin secret from Batgirl, who thinks he’s just Bruce’s butler and her confidant. Take that, Sean Pertwee!

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Robin rather creepily notices that Batgirl is very pretty when she’s asleep, and Batman proudly states that that’s a sign of the first “oncoming thrust of manhood” for the Boy Wonder. Wah-HEY!

Special Guest Villain. The husband-and-wife team of Ida Lupino and Howard Duff play the husband-and-wife team of Cassandra and Cabala, a couple whose dialogue is almost painfully hip. (For what it’s worth, Lupino sounds more natural utilizing the groovy-speak of 1968 than Duff, who sounds way too much like an old guy trying and failing to sound cool. The couple were both over 50 at this point, but being written as young cool cats.)

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“I feel like I’m getting flat!”

“What a pity.”

–Batgirl expressing what the Alvino Ray-Gun is doing to her, and Cabala providing the double entendre.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 67 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, Jim Beard (editor of Gotham City 14 Miles).

The Mope Diamond is a play on the Hope Diamond, while Spiffany’s on 15th Avenue is the latest riff on a New York City location, in this case the famous jewelry store Tiffany’s on 5th Avenue. The Alchemical Bank, besides being a fitting place for an alchemist to rob, is also a play on the venerable New York bank Chemical Bank, which has remained a venerable New York bank since 1896, though in 1995 they acquired Chase Bank and took on their even-more-venerable name.

G. David Schine, the former assistant to Senator Joseph McCarthy, does an uncredited turn as the floor-waxer at Spiffany’s. The character’s name is also G. David Schine, which must have made it easier for him to shoot the scene where he introduces himself. His casting is also a major insult to all the Hollywood people who were blacklisted by Schine’s boss in the previous decade…

David Lewis makes his final appearance as the beleaguered Warden Crichton.

Cassandra’s Alvino Ray-Gun is named after Alvino Rey, the big band musician. Stanley Ralph Ross wanted to name it after the then-current California governor (and future U.S. president) and call it the Ronald Ray Gun, but the producers wouldn’t allow it. He later made Ol’ Dutch into a weapon on Monster Squad.

The six villains are played by the actors’ stand-ins, and their faces are rarely seen. Old recordings of Riddler’s laugh, Catwoman’s purr, Penguin’s “waugh,” and Joker’s giggle are inserted into the production, but none of them get any dialogue.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Batfink?” This episode has to set a record for double entendres in a single Batman ’66 episode. Besides the two mentioned above—Batman’s comment about the oncoming thrust of Robin’s manhood and Cabala lamenting Batgirl getting flatter—there’s also Cabala’s line about how husbands and wives should bump into each other every once in a while, Cassandra dismissively telling Batgirl that other women’s numbers don’t interest her, Gordon’s reference to the prison matron nicknamed “Mrs. Frisk,” and Minerva’s line about how she would feel like a new man.

It’s like Broadcast Standards and Practices didn’t even care anymore. Then again, there’s only one episode after this…

Anyhow, this episode is a fitting swan song for Stanley Ralph Ross, consistently the best of the Bat-writers, filled as it is with absurdity, Bat-gadgets, a ridiculous deathtrap—our heroes being flattened had already been used once as a cliffhanger—and the usual nonsense. Ross also does the best he can with the third season credo of Thou Shalt Not Spend by providing villains who spend half the episode invisible, no henchmen or molls, and a bat-fight that is either three people flailing against nobody while the crew throws things at them from off camera or entirely in the dark.

Sadly, they’re done in by the casting of Lupino and Duff, who just are an awkward fit for the oh-so-hip dialogue the characters spout. (You have to wonder if they envisioned Sonny and Cher for this—they’d have been perfect. They’d even proven their acting chops by this point on an episode of The Man from U.N.C.L.E. that was directed by Bat-regular george waGGner.) And while freeing all the old villains for one final go-round is a nifty visual, it doesn’t even hold up in what passes for in-universe logic in Batman ’66. I don’t mind them all being imprisoned in the same wing, or that they can be freed by a single switch in Crichton’s office, because that’s in keeping with Crichton’s general spectacular incompetence as a warden. No, I just can’t see the six of them agreeing to be the toadies to some villain nobody’s ever heard of. Just four of them working together in the feature film was fraught with arguments and such, so why would they just sit and go for it now? (Also, King Tut should be back at Yale teaching Egyptology, not in jail, and seeing Catwoman be tall and white again is confusing, and not really fair to Eartha Kitt.)

Still, this would’ve made a decent final episode. However, we’ve still got one more to go.

Bat-rating: 6

Keith R.A. DeCandido is running a Kickstarter for Mermaid Precinct, the long-awaited fifth novel in his series of fantasy police procedurals. Please consider supporting it! He will be a guest at Lunacon 2017 this weekend in Tarrytown, New York. He’ll be performing with the Boogie Knights on Saturday at 11am and again for a kids concert Sunday at 11am. He’ll also be doing a reading Saturday at 5pm.

“Minerva, Mayhem, and Millionaires”
Written by Charles Hoffman
Directed by Oscar Rudolph
Season 3, Episode 26
Production code 1726
Original air date: March 14, 1968

The Bat-signal: Bruce is getting a vigorous massage at Minerva’s Mineral Spa, the masseuse commenting that, for a millionaire who spends all his time counting his money, he’s in pretty good shape. (Ahem.) Bruce chalks it up to falconry and spelunking. He passes up one of Minerva’s famous scalp massages, as he needs to get going.

However, other millionaires take her up on it, thus allowing them to succumb to Minerva’s Deepest Secret Extractor, which reveals to her where they keep their filthy lucre.

As Bruce gets ready to leave and retrieves his personal items from the lockbox, he encounters yet another millionaire, Sam Shubert, who thanks Bruce for the invite to the Wayne Foundation dinner that will include a display of the world’s largest diamonds. While they talk, Minerva lifts Bruce’s watch from the lockbox. Bruce figures he’s misremembering and didn’t wear it today, and heads out.

Minerva meets with her henchmen (Apollo, Adonis, and Atlas) and moll (Aphrodite) and French Freddie the Fence and promises the Wayne Foundation diamonds. She calls Bruce to say she “found” his watch, and can he come pick it up? Right after that, Gordon calls on the bat-phone, reporting that several millionaires have had their secret stashes stolen. Bruce realizes that all the victims are also clients of Minerva’s.

Bruce heads to Minerva’s in his own car to retrieve the watch, while Robin takes the Batmobile and a spare batsuit to the spa separately so they can head to GCPD HQ afterward. However, Bruce decides to accept a free scalp massage. Minerva hits him with the Deepest Secret Extractor (which makes Adam West go delightfully bug-eyed). Luckily, the DSE only provides Minerva with what she actually asks for, and she only thinks to ask for the combination to the Wayne Foundation vault.

However, Bruce knows something is up, so he meets up with Robin and changes into costume. He asks Minerva for the full treatment for him and Robin. They refuse to disrobe, as it would compromise their secret identities. Minerva says they can’t get the full effect of her treatment while clothed, but Batman assures her that their outfits—including even the utility belts—are more permeable than you might imagine. Okay, then.

Minerva thinks something’s up, as she saw Bruce talking to his watch earlier (he was relaying instructions to Robin), so she has her henchmen put the Dynamic Duo in the persimmon pressurizer while she pootles off to the Wayne Foundation to open the vault and steal the diamonds, changing the combination of the vault.

Batman and Robin—wearing towels over their full uniforms—are manhandled and put in the pressurizer. When Minerva returns, the pressurizer is empty. Minerva assumes that they’ve been pressurized into teeny tiny bits, but in fact they escaped and returned to the Batcave. Batman has Gordon bring Minerva in. She denies trying to kill Batman and Robin—she chalks it up to equipment failure.

Lord Easystreet—one of the richest men in the world—has an appointment with Minerva at 4:30, and Minerva heads off to it. Batman wants to send a decoy in Easystreet’s place—Alfred looks a lot like the lord in question—and Barbara (who is once again visiting her dad in his office) says that she actually found a book Easystreet was looking for in the library earlier that day, and can call him and tell him so, thus distracting him from his spa appointment.

The head of security for the Wayne Foundation calls Gordon to report the tampering with the vault. Batman, Robin, Gordon, and O’Hara head to the Wayne Foundation, where Batman gets the vault open, and they learn that the diamonds are all gone.

Batman and Robin head to Minerva’s—as does Batgirl, who wants to make sure that Alfred is safe. This is a legitimate concern, as she arrives just as Minerva realizes that Alfred isn’t Easystreet. He manages to resist providing his real name for several seconds—take that, Sean Pertwee!—and then Batgirl rescues him. However, the henchmen come in and manhandle both of them, tossing them into the pressurizer. Batman and Robin show up, then, and fisticuffs ensue. Robin is able to free Batgirl and Alfred, and then the pair of them join the donnybrook.

Our heroes are triumphant. Minerva almost makes her escape, but then Gordon and O’Hara show up with Freddie the Fence, who was captured and who immediately gave Minerva up. Everyone is trundled off to jail, and Batgirl disappears without anyone noticing. Just like usual.

Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! Batman and Robin escape the pressurizer by taking Steam-Neutralizing Bat-pellets. Batman has a Three-Seconds-Flat Bat-Vault Combination Unscrambler, which apparently can unscramble a vault combination (bat- or otherwise) in three seconds flat. Good thing he’s on our side…

Holy #@!%$, Batman! Upon being informed that they’d be put in the persimmon pressurizer, Robin on-the-noses, “Holy astringent plum-like fruit!” and then grumbles, “Holy human pressure cookers” when he and Batman are put in the thing. “Holy skull tap!” is Robin’s response to realizing that Minerva extracted the combination from Bruce during his massage.

Gotham City’s finest. O’Hara apparently sprained his ankle playing ping-pong, and limps through the episode aided by a cane. In reality, it was likely that Stafford Repp hurt himself and they just wrote it in, since it plays no role in the plot.

No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Among the many double entendres provided by Minerva, we have her not recognizing Batman by his costume, but remarking that his physique looks familiar, her repeating the “feel like a new man” line from last week’s tag, her haughtily telling Batman that she doesn’t pick up men, men pick her up, etc. Wah-HEY!

Special Guest Villainess. After being considered for the role of Zelda the Great in the first season, and after being hired for the role of Marsha, Queen of Diamonds, but being forced to pull out, in the second season, Zsa Zsa Gabor finally makes it just in the nick of time in the third season. Ironically, given what happened with Marsha, Minerva was intended to be played by Mae West, but she was unavailable due to her filming of Myra Breckinridge, so Gabor was cast.

Na-na na-na na-na na-na na.

“Would Minerva stoop to something like that?”

“It’s hard to believe, Dick. She’s so beautiful—and worth investigating.”

–Dick amazed that the owner of Bruce’s favorite spa might be evil, and Bruce being somewhat creepy in response.

Trivial matters: This episode was discussed on The Batcave Podcast episode 66 by host John S. Drew with special guest chum, independent filmmaker Robert Long, manager of a Facebook group for the series.

This was the final episode of the series. There was talk of trying to move the show to NBC, but that never went anywhere, and also at the very least Adam West was rather burned out on the role—though that was more due to the reduced budget, reduced script editing, and general reduced giving-a-damn of the third season.

West and Ward will return to the roles of Batman and Robin several more times after this: in two Legends of the Superheroes specials in 1979, and in voice form in Filmation’s The New Adventures of Batman in 1977, the “Large Marge” episode of The Simpsons in 2002, 2016’s The Return of the Caped Crusaders, and that film’s forthcoming sequel, Batman vs. Two-Face. West also did Batman (with Casey Kasem as Robin) in Hanna Barbera’s SuperFriends and The Super Powers Team animated series in 1984 and 1985 (replacing Olan Soule, who had voiced Batman in previous incarnations of SuperFriends). West has also done voices in other animated Batman productions, including the Gray Ghost in Batman: The Animated Series, Thomas Wayne in Batman: The Brave and the Bold, and Mayor Grange in The Batman. They’ve also been making use of his talents on Powerless.

Producers William Dozier and Howie Horwitz make uncredited cameos as two of Minerva’s spa clients, while Jacque Bergerac reprises his role as French Freddie the Fence (last seen in “Batman Displays His Knowledge,” where he was a fence who fenced, a shtick not used this time ’round, as epées probably weren’t in the budget).

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Darling!” There are moments of this series finale that are fun. Zsa Zsa Gabor is pretty much playing the same role she always played, which was that of Zsa Zsa Gabor. One really doesn’t expect much else, and Gabor is obviously having a grand old time. It’s nice to see Bad-Ass Undercover Alfred in action one final time, it’s good to see Adam West get to actually be Bruce Wayne for a bit, Batman and Robin wearing towels over their uniforms is a hilarious visual, and Batgirl’s impersonation of Minerva at the end is a delight.

(By the way, Alfred himself later says that the Deepest Secret Extractor short circuited before he could reveal his secrets, but I chalk that up to the butler’s modesty.)

Having said that, it’s obvious that pretty much everyone involved was fresh out of fucks to give. There’s a miasma of perfunctoriness that hangs over this episode even more than the other dreary episodes in this slog of a season. The DSE functions in an inconsistent manner—why did it jump immediately to revealing Alfred’s secret, when for everyone else it required a specific question?—the Dynamic Duo’s escape from the pressurizer happens off camera. It’s difficult to enjoy the cameos by William Dozier and Howie Horwitz, as one can’t help but wonder if they’re there, not to appear in front of the camera before the lights go out for the final time, but because it saved them money on two guest star appearances.

There’s an early scene where Minerva walks into the room to talk to her employees and Freddie. She throws the door shut behind her, but it doesn’t latch properly, and it falls back open again. They don’t even bother with a reshoot, just letting it stand and going on with the scene.

That neglect is emblematic of this final season of the show, and the perfect symbol for this rather lame finish to a cultural icon.

Next week, we’ll take a look at Filmation’s 1977 animated Batman series that starred West and Ward’s voices, plus the live-action Legends of the Superheroes specials from 1979, then the week after that will be a general overview of Batman ’66 to conclude the Bat-rewatch.

Bat-rating: 2

Keith R.A. DeCandido is running a Kickstarter for Mermaid Precinct, the long-awaited fifth novel in his series of fantasy police procedurals. Please consider supporting it, as there are only a couple of days left!

The Bat-signal: The first season of Batman was the hottest thing since sliced bread, and prompted both a feature film and half of Hollywood wanting to get in on the fun. However, as the second season plodded onward, the novelty had worn off and the audience had moved on to other things. Folks like Vincent Price and Otto Preminger and the like all came in to jump on the bandwagon, but by the time they arrived, the wagon had left town.

By the third season, the producers at once took steps to try to shore up what audience remained, yet also made it clear that they had stopped giving a horse’s patoot. The former was addressed by adding Yvonne Craig’s Batgirl to the main cast; the latter, sadly, sabotaged Craig’s presence, as the budget was razed, presenting a show that was very obviously being done on the cheap and by producers who had stopped caring.

However, the show’s influence and staying power was impressive. Like that other show I’m rewatching, the show continued to have a powerful life in syndicated reruns. (That was how your humble rewatcher first encountered it.) For decades afterward, Batman ‘66 was everyone’s touchstone for how to talk about comics, specifically the iconic sound effects used when fisticuffs ensued. (Pretty much every article about how “comics aren’t for kids anymore” written between 1980 and 2000 used “Pow! Zap!” or some such in the article’s title. It grew tiresome.)

Adam West and Burt Ward suffered considerable typecasting, as they became inextricably linked with the iconic roles. They would find themselves in the following decade returning to those roles twice.

The first time was on The New Adventures of Batman, a 16-episode Filmation-produced series. The stories were all run-of-the-mill bad guy stuff that was straight out of the Silver Age comics—and other Saturday morning cartoons of the era. They even had a doofy sidekick in the interdimensional imp Bat-Mite, a powerful-yet-dim creature who kept trying to help and making things worse. Batgirl was also present, though veteran voiceover actor Melendy Britt voiced her rather than Craig. Britt in fact did all the female voices, with most of the other male voices being provided by Filmation vet Lennie Weinrib, including almost all the male villains. Each was given some kind of vocal tick to differentiate them, the most extreme being Professor Bubbles who sounded like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert. (The one exception was Boyd Baxter, a TV newscaster voiced by Larry Storch.) Producer Lou Scheimer provided the voices of Bat-Mite and the Bat-computer.

Each episode followed a standard formula, with the villain plotting to take over Gotham or the world or whatever, and our heroes stopping them, even with Bat-Mite slowing them down with his idiocy. The show was a mix of elements from the TV series (Robin’s copious use of “Holy ____!” as well as the spectacular incompetence of Gordon and the GCPD) and the comics (the design of the Batcave is closer to the comics, and Batman fights super-powered beings and aliens and such). The design is an interesting mix of Dick Sprang and Neal Adams, and of course Batman and Robin are far more athletic here than they are in live-action. We get some new bat-gadgets, most notably the seats of the Batmobile that eject and become autogyros, and now the Bat-computer talks—and has something of an attitude, too.

And, this being Filmation, they ended each episode with a “Bat-message,” with Batman and Robin delivering the moral of the story while Bat-Mite does something wacky and annoying.

This was hardly the first foray of Batman and Robin in animation—they were part of the Batman/Superman Hour, which was contemporary with the TV series, with Olan Soule and Casey Kasem voicing Batman and Robin, respectively. Soule and Kasem would reprise the roles on the various Super Friends cartoons, though Soule was later replaced by West as Batman, with Kasem continuing as Robin. (Soule’s consolation was to do the voice of Martin Stein, half of Firestorm.)

West and Ward also stepped in front of the camera to reprise their roles as Batman and Robin for the ill-advised 1979 specials Legends of the Super Heroes, an appalling mix of superhero story and variety show that didn’t work on any possible level. Both West and Ward were phoning it in—and looked even more ridiculous in the outfits a decade later. Ed McMahon hosted and actually did the best he could—he at least faked taking it seriously—but the shows fall into the same what-the-hell-were-they-smoking-in-the-1970s-anyhow category as The Star Wars Holiday Special.

And of course, West and Ward got back into the Bat-game in 2016 for the 50th anniversary in The Return of the Caped Crusaders, as well as its upcoming sequel…

Favorite Fetch the Bat-shark-repellant! I think my favorite Bat-device still has to be the Bat-shield, just because it’s so unutterably ridiculous.

Favorite Holy #@!%$, Batman! I gotta say that after a year and a half of chronicling them, the vast majority of Robin’s religious utterances leave me cold, and it could get pretty ridiculous. Still, I liked it when it looked like some thought went into it, like “Holy Wernher von Braun!” in “The Greatest Mother of Them All” / “Ma Parker” and the cleverer ones in the film like “Holy Bikini” and “Holy Polaris.”

Favorite Gotham City’s finest. A tie between “The Sandman Cometh” / “The Catwoman Goeth“—where Mooney, Hogan, and Dietrich, are actually competent and skilled and stuff—and “The Joker Goes to School” / “He Meets His Match, the Grisly Ghoul” where the cops (aided by a convenient blackout) are actually the ones who rescue Batman and Robin from that week’s deathtrap.

Favorite No sex, please, we’re superheroes. Definitely “King Tut’s Coup” / “Batman’s Waterloo,” where “milk and cookies” is the best euphemism ever!

Favorite Special Guest Villain. With all due respect to Burgess Meredith, Julie Newmar, and Cesar Romero, who justifiably became icons, and equal respect to Anne Baxter, Victor Buono, Eartha Kitt, Roddy McDowall, Vincent Price, and Cliff Robertson, who were all magnificent, the best villain in the Bat-pantheon has to be Frank Gorshin, who simply owned the character of the Riddler. The others all had aspects that worked—Gorshin, though, fired on all cylinders, creating a complex, layered villain with scripts that didn’t actually require that. Amazing stuff.

Favorite Na-na na-na na-na na-na na. So many great lines, but this one from “The Unkindest Tut of All” remains my favorite, as it’s hilarious Bat-alliteration followed by a line Buono was born to read:

“Come off it, Tut. Your predictions are nothing but phony fatuous flimflam.”

“Who dares impugn the veracity of Tut—nabob of the Nile, moon god of Thoth, and stuff like that? By the instep of Ramses, I’ll have his head!”

Favorite Trivial matters: Probably the one for “A Piece of the Action” / “Batman’s Satisfaction,” as it had lots of Green Hornet-y goodness.

Pow! Biff! Zowie! “Same bat-time, same bat-channel!” And so we come to the end of the Bat-rewatch. It’s a show that tapped into the zeitgeist of the time in which it was created, melding Silver Age goofiness with Pop Art zaniness and a technicolor palette to give us a perfect storm of campy hilarity.

Still, the show was in many ways a victim of its success. By becoming the it-show, as it were, the producers became more self-conscious and emphasized the goofier aspects, as well as the cameos and guest appearances. So many comedians making uncredited cameos, so many celebrities opening the window on a bat-climb, so many actors showing up as villains, not always to good effect (yes, Art Carney and Van Johnson, I’m looking at you).

Yet the show continued to thrive long after it was cancelled. It even had a kind of reverse-positive effect on the comics, as backlash against the overwhelming silliness of the TV show—which had been the norm in the Batman comics pretty much since the Comics Code Authority defanged mainstream comics in the 1950s—led to the character becoming darker and more serious in the 1970s, closer to the more hard-bitten character originally portrayed by Bill Finger and Bob Kane.

Ultimately, though, the show itself was tremendous fun to watch. At its best, it was a vehicle for brilliant satire (“Hizzoner the Penguin” / “Dizzoner the Penguin,” “Pop Goes the Joker” / “Flop Goes the Joker“) and high comedy (“Death in Slow Motion” / “The Riddler’s False Notion,” “An Egg Grows in Gotham” / “The Yegg Foes in Gotham“). And even at its worst, it gave us a weekly dose of the triumph of good over evil, which is never a bad thing to see on your television screen.

Bat-rating: 7

Keith R.A. DeCandido will miss doing this every week, but won’t miss tallying up all Robin’s “Holy” utterances. Be on the lookout for his overview of the 1970s Wonder Woman TV show some time between now and the release of the Gal Gadot film.